You are perfect.

It's hard to find a balance in life where you are not overly miserable and not overly elated. One motion and you're teetering on the edge of either of those things. I guess it wouldn't be so bad to be overly elated but I can't say I've ever actually felt that. I have but not for an abundant amount of time. The sad reality is I'm unsatisfied with myself currently but the really unsavory part is I haven't been satisfied for a long time. I want to be. I try to fall in love with every moment that I can take a few steps back and be overwhelmed with beauty. Yesterday, I took a drive alone, put the windows down, some spellbinding music on and just took it all in. It was beautiful. I love spring here. It gets amazingly green and there are bountiful wildflowers all over the place on the edge of the freeway and at almost every stoplight you encounter. It's like a fairy tale! I was so deprived of vegetation and scenery for years that it really is awe inspiring to me anymore. It's like discovering it all over again which I truly enjoy. 

I don't know why it's such a struggle for me to find contentment. I'm never happy with myself but I don't know why. I should be. Maybe I don't value myself enough. The other day at yoga my instructor said something that really struck a chord with me. We were laying in Savasana and she said 'notice this feeling and every sensation you feel. Everything you are in this moment is as it was intended. It's perfect and you are perfect.' Such a powerful statement. It's true though. We all seek to be some version of perfection we have gathered in our mind through years of media manipulation and other peoples opinion of what they think we ought to be like. It's just not right. We are all perfect. If you think about the mechanics of life and of the human body, it's sheer brilliance and centuries of science behind it has barely scratched the surface of all we are capeable of and made up of. Fuck aesthetics. Why is it so impossible to obtain contentment? Why can't we be okay with who we are? Why do we always battle ourselves to be something 'better' or 'different'? I, for one, am the worst with this. I always find some flaw to beat myself up over, neglecting the totally awesome things I have to offer [like a rather squandered singing voice most have not heard. Sad.] We are worth more than fitting into our skinny jeans if we eat a few too many cookies. We are worth more than avoiding trips to the grocery store due to a bad skin/hair/body days. We are worth more than avoiding human interaction for fear of being hurt like a little bitch. I'm a serious repeat offender of all aformentioned things and recognizing that seems rather embarrassing and childish. But hey! I guess I am a girl after all! [Dont tell anyone.] But, yeah, you're perfect just the way you are RIGHT NOW. Don't waste the good things because you're clinging to sucky ass shit that doesn't matter. Because, in the end it really doesn't matter. Maybe you're like me and you blow things insanely out of proportion for no god damn reason and then realize later how stupid of you that was. Stop that. Take a drive through the country and get your head on straight. Maybe if I did that constantly I would achieve everlasting contentment but then eventually I would find something to be dissatisfied with. What can I say- I'm a perfect jerk. 

Time will see us realign

I remember getting lost in a world of bittersweet wonder. You weaved your words of clarity into my chaos. We achieved hive mind. I considered you my blood. Family. Does that mean anything now? Are we too estranged to find each other again in this life? Will we one day mirror each other in another dimension as we try not to trip on the string theory? 

Joe Rogan for President

If I were to look back on myself 10 years prior, I would probably simultaneously be amused and shocked at the human I've progressed into. I've changed. I would say for the better but I guess I'm a bit biased, eh? The main thing I strive for every single day and strive to convey outwardly is dissolving my ego. The ego seems to be the root of all problematic epidemics in the world. The lust for power and greed that has plauged man kind for centuries all stem from ego maniacs. One of the most effective ways to crush your ego is having a psychedelic experience. Joe Rogan is an advocate for hallucinogenic experiences to open your mind and tap into spiritual realms we may not find elsewhere. He is an eloquently articulate guru on all things about pushing the envelope of consciousness and the pineal gland. 

He's just a badass about the things he is passionate about and he doesn't hide behind what's politically correct. All the rules are thrown out when he speaks on global and national issues yet, he does so with such poignant words. It is never crass. I mean, he's a down ass mother fucker. No apologies. No walking in egg shells. Yet, he dispels all the convuluted, majority held beliefs with grace and ease. 

It's refreshing to have someone of notoriety, who is also a well known celebrity, to be behind things that are impairitive to much needed paradigm shift our society lacks. I only hope that his influence can penetrate the deeply manipulated population that the media has a choke hold on. He celebrates his humanity yet he is intelligent enough to know there is more out there than what meets the eye. In every way he is a huge influence and inspiration to me. Joe Rogan restores my faith in humanity. 

Watch this interview: https://m.youtube.com/watch?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer&v=BEbPpt89HVk&feature=youtu.be&utm_medium=social&utm_content=buffere04c6

He talks about all the things I'm passionate about and then some, brilliantly. 

Shitspiration

Recently I've taken up a healthier lifestyle. I've been healthier for years but this past year I've really focused on stepping it up. Naturally, I've found Instagram accounts to inspire and motivate me and there are plenty of good ones. But, of course there are also plenty of accounts that are complete and utter trash. I'm talking about the fitness accounts where there is a half naked girl constantly posting selfies for 'motivation'. Bitch, what the fuck?!

What exactly does posting vain pictures of yourself constantly do in terms of motivating? How does being a complete narcissist inspire anyone? No one cares except ignorant thirsty dudes trying to hit on chicks that would never talk to them. I just don't get it. If you work out and bust your ass to get shredded that's definitely commendable but what's with the need for gratification? Why do you even need a progress picture and furthermore why do you need to post one [or multiples] every fucking day?! Please stop. Also, I just don't understand some of the skanky outfits bitches wear to the gym. Why?! I wear shit that makes me look relatively homeless and I genuinely don't give a fuck. 

Now, you can call me a hater as they all do but the truth is- I do hate it. It's tacky and not motivational and a disgrace to the fitness industry. If they would actually post work outs or tips and techniques that would be acceptable. But no- it's memes they don't research, pictures of their butt and/or tits, and food they think is healthy. So sad. What's worse is that a lot of them don't even know shit about fitness and so many naive people look up to them only to be misguided. 

I just wish people could stop portraying a fake lifestyle and being elistist when they don't really know fuck all in terms of health and fitness. Just drop all the psuedo-motivation disguised as an excuse to post selfies constantly only to have their ego stroked. You are worth more than half naked photos that cheapen your integrity. Fuck 'fitspiration'.

Hesitation

I refrain from writing the millions of passing ideas and thoughts that enter my mind at even given moment. I've never understood why really or questioned it until recently. The reality is, I'm petrified of being judged. As stupid as that sounds, it's the truth. There is an infinite amount of formats to write in. The thing that is quite liberating is the notion of fleeting moments and feelings. It's kind of like a song to me. A song captures a moment in time, a feeling for a split second, hour, day or year. The thing that is truly beautiful is, it is just a feeling and it can change or pass. Much of the music I like seems to capture a moment I can relate to eloquently and it really displays that feeling or mentality beautifully- even if perhaps it's not a beautiful idea. Just because it may be filled with anger or sadness doesn't mean that it's permanent. It certainly doesn't mean it's all that a person is about or encompasses. I think that's one of the biggest misconceptions about the written word. People write to vent. People write to understand themselves. People write to put their feelings in perspective and try to learn and grow. It's not the gospel. It can change and it can pass. I've decided that moving forward I'm going to do my est to write more and not hold back or be afraid of judgement because at this point in my life it's for me only. And if someone can get something, anything, out of it, then that's even better. But for now- I think I'm long overdue on being a but selfish. 

Social media for dummies

Over the years I've watched social media replace any kind of authentic emotion. It has become a place of pretentious stencils to fit your life status into. People no longer enjoy anything sacred, they long to share every mundane detail with billions of strangers on the interwebs. It's quite peculiar if you think about it. The likes of Instagram and Facebook have brought about an element of approval and judgement we have never been privy to prior. If we do anything of merit, we must brazenly announce it for all the world to see with cleverly placed photos in tow. I'm not really opposed to the idea of creating the illusion of an interesting life. However, it seems to me, the efforts some go to create this screams how much of a purpose they actually lack. The fact is: busy people don't have time for social media. [Or they don't give a shit. Perhaps it's an amalgamation of both.] I've grown pretty ambivalent to the whole thing after once upon a time thinking more 'likes' on a photo somehow justified how pretty I was in the tiniest sense for my fleeting insecurity. Pretty dumb, innit? Yes. Of course I quickly found the more clevage I had meant more anonymous approval I gathered. My elementary math skills have served me well. Anymore I just don't give a fuck. I guess I found it amusing that some people put more effort into their Instagram than, say,  their resume, or relationship or future, even. The whole idea of being so overly narcissistic just seems pointless and well, rather  nauseating. Why do we do this? How many pictures of the sky can you post, or of your cat [totally guilty]? Does anyone really care or just you and all your stalkers? The funny part is when females get mad when random dudes try to spit subpar game at their lewd attempts at fake confidence. Really?! You can't dangle a carrot in front of a hungry rabbit and expect not to get bit. Be realistic. You were just trying to either. A) justify your boyfriend/husband/friend with benefits that yes, you are a indeed a catch, B) try to make aformentioned person jealous and/or angry or C) make a pathetic attempt at some kind of approval from a random stranger to temporarily sate a state of self contempt. Either way you slice it- it's unnecessary. I'm not saying I haven't done it- I totally am 100% guilty. I just see the futility of it all and I don't have the energy to give even a remote fuck. I want most of my life to be savored in the moment, not documented on an electronic device I'm a slave to. That cheapens it to me. If you see a pretty sunset, why not enjoy it with someone you love instead of posting a redundant photo that doesn't do it justice and a million others are posting? Enjoy your life. Stay present. Getting lost in vapid approval from strangers or even frenemies online seems silly when you could be sharing things in person and making memories that will last long after social media crashes and burns [trust me it will.]   Besides, cat memes and vaugebooking are so 2009! Don't be outdated! 

Yep.

Sometimes you realize the redundancy of your existence. You realize that monotony and complacency are disgusting and you long to purge them from your life indefinitely. You long for a free spirited life of no 9-5 noose to hang yourself from any longer and having the means to support yourself while doing the things you love. I know now why my path led me here. I can't be a part of this system any more. It doesn't serve me. Working for people doesn't satisfy me. It makes me feel sick. What is the objective of slacking away to be micromanaged and belittled only to have your talent thrown to the wolves? No thanks. That kind of thing can drive anyone insane. No job should make you stress out or have an abundance of anxiety. Life is about finding a rhythm that justifies you, that empowers you. It's exactly like anything else that is vital to life, like relationships. You must find a balance and a harmony. Otherwise you're just struggling to find a way to convince yourself and everyone else that you're happy. But you're not. It's time to stop lying and wearing this mask of fallacy. I've always done exceptional at every job I've had, but something was always missing. I don't fit into a corporate model and refuse to drink aforementioned companies' koolaid to move up the chain. Even if you do that- there are many innocuous slip ups you can be let go for. But why? Does jeopardizing real talent for an innocent mistake really make sense? I remember once I was fired from a job and they had to hire 3 people to replace me. Does that even make sense on any scale?! No. That's exactly my point. Most companies I've worked for are doing it wrong. And I can't work for anyone but myself moving forward. I've done my research. I've found my niche. I will not be stopped. It's not even that hard! I don't know why it took so long to realize this but I'm elated I have. Take your life by the reins. You control your path and you control your destiny.