Hesitation

I refrain from writing the millions of passing ideas and thoughts that enter my mind at even given moment. I've never understood why really or questioned it until recently. The reality is, I'm petrified of being judged. As stupid as that sounds, it's the truth. There is an infinite amount of formats to write in. The thing that is quite liberating is the notion of fleeting moments and feelings. It's kind of like a song to me. A song captures a moment in time, a feeling for a split second, hour, day or year. The thing that is truly beautiful is, it is just a feeling and it can change or pass. Much of the music I like seems to capture a moment I can relate to eloquently and it really displays that feeling or mentality beautifully- even if perhaps it's not a beautiful idea. Just because it may be filled with anger or sadness doesn't mean that it's permanent. It certainly doesn't mean it's all that a person is about or encompasses. I think that's one of the biggest misconceptions about the written word. People write to vent. People write to understand themselves. People write to put their feelings in perspective and try to learn and grow. It's not the gospel. It can change and it can pass. I've decided that moving forward I'm going to do my est to write more and not hold back or be afraid of judgement because at this point in my life it's for me only. And if someone can get something, anything, out of it, then that's even better. But for now- I think I'm long overdue on being a but selfish. 

Day 14- words

As a fan of our language, as well as the written word, I can honestly say that our vocabulary is not used nearly as much as  it should be. It's disenchanting. I'm currently reading a book called 'The Biology of Trancendence' and it says that in 1950 high school students had a working vocabulary average of about 25,000 words. Today the level is 10,000! That enrages me immensely. We definitely should not be regressing on our language to less than half of what it was 60 years ago. That's disgraceful and pitiful. It baffles me the reasons why that may be so. Maybe I'm just different. When I was younger I remember I used to just look up words for the fun of it and try to integrate them into my vocabulary. I guess I'm biased. I love to write. I've always had a pretty sizable way with words as far back as I can recall. I'm much better writing down things I think and feel than saying them in person, usually. Perhaps the cathartic afterglow that ensues is why I write. It is a talent I would like to revamp, hence why I created this blog. I just adore the myriad of options we have to explain ourselves. Words are free and we ought to broaden our usage of them as to keep our language alive.

The best way to start anew is to fail miserably...

I've been wanting to start a new blog for some time. I have been through a proverbial shit storm of things this year and I would be lying if I said that I haven't struggled and changed in almost every way imaginable. My intention with this is to face these demons head on. Many people try to appear a certain way and relish the illusion of their "normalcy", whatever the hell that is. Perhaps I have been one of these people in the past but not now. 'Without struggle there is no progress' Frederick Douglass said. I couldn't agree more. Pain makes you interesting. I do not care to follow trends or what other people consider normal. I have banished that word from my vocabulary long ago.

I guess I should start by saying a few things about myself [barf]. My name is Sara. I  have lived in Austin, Texas for a little over a year now. I grew up in Kentucky in a small town where they make Wild Turkey bourbon. But do these things matter? Not really. I always find it interesting that people describe themselves in a list fashion with meaningless things like that. I find it even more peculiar those who don't know what to describe them self as or have absolutely nothing interesting to say about them self. Maybe it just seems so boring to me or maybe I long for that simplicity within myself. Who knows. All I know is that if you ask anyone they would agree that I am anything but ordinary. Yet, really, I completely am. I am just a human trying desperately to achieve a comfortable lifestyle and find personal zen. I believe this is a lifelong battle for each and every one of us.

I truly enjoy writing. As a child, I used to win creative writing contests frequently. I am not one to boast and I have an utter distaste for those who are overly boastful, but I do know one of the things I have always been decent at is writing. I have a way with words, my way ;). It's weird, I have a hard time connecting with people face to face. My social anxiety literally borders agoraphobia. Over thinking is a demon I struggle with every day. Don't ask me why. It's silly really. I wonder if I just don't know how to relate to people or perhaps I don't want to? Meh. I just don't trust people. I have been in so many unnecessarily awkward situations through the years, I guess I just withdrew myself. As sassy and dramatic as I have been in the past, I really loathe confrontation. It makes my fucking skin crawl. I guess I just wish people would be more kind to others. I was bullied as a adolescent pretty badly, almost to the point where I dropped out of high school as a freshman. Self conscious insecurity was my biggest foe at that point. I was a goddamn doormat. I let everyone walk all over me. So, maybe it stems from that [it probably does]. What I am trying to say [badly] is that I am much better on paper with expressing myself. It gives it a dimension that makes it come alive for me. Plus, it's much easier for me to collect my racing thoughts if I have a format to look at and edit. Sue me.

My objectives with this blog are to grow as a person and confront some of my issues. If I happen to help someone else along the way, even better. Lately, I have really been trying to purge my judgement and realize we are all connected in some way. Thinking we aren't is silly. I am trying to rid myself of my internal rage and really learn to love others as well as myself. I have spend so much time hating everything and rejecting a world that I am inherently a part of, whether I chose to see that or not. Now is the time to accept it. I want to embrace this reality I am part of and focus much more on the present and reveling in the miracle of each passing moment for what it is- a gift. Join me.

Below is an image of an artist who I truly feel "gets" it, Alex Grey. He is an inspiration.