Hesitation

I refrain from writing the millions of passing ideas and thoughts that enter my mind at even given moment. I've never understood why really or questioned it until recently. The reality is, I'm petrified of being judged. As stupid as that sounds, it's the truth. There is an infinite amount of formats to write in. The thing that is quite liberating is the notion of fleeting moments and feelings. It's kind of like a song to me. A song captures a moment in time, a feeling for a split second, hour, day or year. The thing that is truly beautiful is, it is just a feeling and it can change or pass. Much of the music I like seems to capture a moment I can relate to eloquently and it really displays that feeling or mentality beautifully- even if perhaps it's not a beautiful idea. Just because it may be filled with anger or sadness doesn't mean that it's permanent. It certainly doesn't mean it's all that a person is about or encompasses. I think that's one of the biggest misconceptions about the written word. People write to vent. People write to understand themselves. People write to put their feelings in perspective and try to learn and grow. It's not the gospel. It can change and it can pass. I've decided that moving forward I'm going to do my est to write more and not hold back or be afraid of judgement because at this point in my life it's for me only. And if someone can get something, anything, out of it, then that's even better. But for now- I think I'm long overdue on being a but selfish. 

Up in the air

Sometimes I become overwhelmed with emotions at inappropriate times. Random things trigger memories and they pull those familiar feeling out of me. I'm sure you've felt that way at some point. The best way I can describe it is a black wave that creeps up behind and crashes over me like a hurricane. I used to believe that this was a curse, that I was a slave to my emotions. I felt that my baggage was a tumor that was slowing dragging me down, slowing me with every moment. I truly feel lately that this no longer is true. I now revel in my soul connection and my deep intuitive nature. It is my most benevolent, innate trait. How ironic the things we think handicap us can in turn define us purely. I have always felt like I feel too much, that things effect me much deeper than most. Many times, I have longed to rid myself of such deep emotional ties. I felt it pushed people away from me. But anymore, I am immensely grateful and I find it virtuous the way I feel. I always felt that many people do not  experience the things I do. That no one can grasp the world how I do. But now I realize, that is wrong and furthermore stupid. How could anyone know that? I'm not different. I'm not special. And even if I was, how could the magnitude of my emotions be measured? It can't. How can anyone feel anything anyone else does or even know what or how they feel? You can't. Everything you feel is yours alone. It is something sacred and it's interlaced in your biological makeup. They say that things you think and feel imprint your DNA which is passed on to your offspring. I can only hope that good things will be gifted to my spawn.