Day 5- hope

There was a point in time where I had no hope. There have been many tragedies life has delt me that I almost let ruin me. It's funny how things can change. I have discovered that the curve balls life throws at you are all tests. You can either choose to be defeated or you can choose to get up above all adversities and start anew. There is no other way.

I don't understand how at one point I was a miserable self loathing sad sack. I look back at myself and it makes me sad how low I stooped. Licking your own wounds is unproductive. It does nothing to progress or heal your situation or your mind frame. I used all the grief and loss I endured in my life for many years as a crutch. For what- I really don't know. Pity maybe but I think I was just lost and desperately needed attention or a woman role model. Who knows. It was awful and I'm not proud of it. 

Today I have done a complete 180. I no longer feel sorry for myself really ever. I think it's pathetic. You are always in charge of your life and the decisions you make to better it. If your life sucks- DO SOMETHING about it! Don't sit on your ass and try to either manipulate the situation or others to get what you want. This is why I cannot stand and don't understand control freaks. Have integrity. Have honor. Do it the right way with pure intention. 

My gratitude for today is hope. Without it we really have nothing to strive for and nothing to motivate us. I have an unparalleled amount of hope within myself, even after I've gone through things so painful they are hard to even think about. I never want pity or people to feel sorry for me as that doesn't change anything. But I do feel the fact that I have never been "fortunate" or "rich" or "spoiled" has kept me grounded and humble. It's forced me to take a long hard look at myself and make make adjustments and adapt. Its one of my greatest gifts in life. When there's hope, there is life. 

The best way to start anew is to fail miserably...

I've been wanting to start a new blog for some time. I have been through a proverbial shit storm of things this year and I would be lying if I said that I haven't struggled and changed in almost every way imaginable. My intention with this is to face these demons head on. Many people try to appear a certain way and relish the illusion of their "normalcy", whatever the hell that is. Perhaps I have been one of these people in the past but not now. 'Without struggle there is no progress' Frederick Douglass said. I couldn't agree more. Pain makes you interesting. I do not care to follow trends or what other people consider normal. I have banished that word from my vocabulary long ago.

I guess I should start by saying a few things about myself [barf]. My name is Sara. I  have lived in Austin, Texas for a little over a year now. I grew up in Kentucky in a small town where they make Wild Turkey bourbon. But do these things matter? Not really. I always find it interesting that people describe themselves in a list fashion with meaningless things like that. I find it even more peculiar those who don't know what to describe them self as or have absolutely nothing interesting to say about them self. Maybe it just seems so boring to me or maybe I long for that simplicity within myself. Who knows. All I know is that if you ask anyone they would agree that I am anything but ordinary. Yet, really, I completely am. I am just a human trying desperately to achieve a comfortable lifestyle and find personal zen. I believe this is a lifelong battle for each and every one of us.

I truly enjoy writing. As a child, I used to win creative writing contests frequently. I am not one to boast and I have an utter distaste for those who are overly boastful, but I do know one of the things I have always been decent at is writing. I have a way with words, my way ;). It's weird, I have a hard time connecting with people face to face. My social anxiety literally borders agoraphobia. Over thinking is a demon I struggle with every day. Don't ask me why. It's silly really. I wonder if I just don't know how to relate to people or perhaps I don't want to? Meh. I just don't trust people. I have been in so many unnecessarily awkward situations through the years, I guess I just withdrew myself. As sassy and dramatic as I have been in the past, I really loathe confrontation. It makes my fucking skin crawl. I guess I just wish people would be more kind to others. I was bullied as a adolescent pretty badly, almost to the point where I dropped out of high school as a freshman. Self conscious insecurity was my biggest foe at that point. I was a goddamn doormat. I let everyone walk all over me. So, maybe it stems from that [it probably does]. What I am trying to say [badly] is that I am much better on paper with expressing myself. It gives it a dimension that makes it come alive for me. Plus, it's much easier for me to collect my racing thoughts if I have a format to look at and edit. Sue me.

My objectives with this blog are to grow as a person and confront some of my issues. If I happen to help someone else along the way, even better. Lately, I have really been trying to purge my judgement and realize we are all connected in some way. Thinking we aren't is silly. I am trying to rid myself of my internal rage and really learn to love others as well as myself. I have spend so much time hating everything and rejecting a world that I am inherently a part of, whether I chose to see that or not. Now is the time to accept it. I want to embrace this reality I am part of and focus much more on the present and reveling in the miracle of each passing moment for what it is- a gift. Join me.

Below is an image of an artist who I truly feel "gets" it, Alex Grey. He is an inspiration.