The battle.

Chronic insomnia has plauged me for many years. Stupidly, I get on my phone for hours on end when I lay down, which I'm sure adds fuel to my sleepless flame. Dumb. The upside to this is always feeling creative and inspired to write. As I lay here next to my snoring boyfriend and as my cats scury around, I am compelled to write. As much as I strive to be humble, it occurred to me tonight that my life has not been easy.

I'd rather not go into all the sappy details, for some of them are difficult for me to even talk about. The truth is I am exhausted, my energy is depleted. I told myself I could be strong, that I must be strong for myself, my family, my friends. I put a good game face on, denying the severity of the matter at hand. I'm really good at faking it. For a while, I think I had myself, and everyone else, convinced. In a sense, I'm one of strongest people ever. I try brave on once in a while and sometimes it fits me like a glove. The fact is- I'm not always strong. For far too long now, I've denied my pain and my strife. Attempting to avoid the agony I've known over the years and the brutality I've encountered has pushed me to the limit mentally, emotionally and physically. I'm completely spent. My soul is broken. 

I can't explain it. It's virtually impossible and tragically with that comes a level of estrangement that makes it seen that much more bleak. The thing is, I can't and won't feel sorry for myself. That's the prideful habit my father passed along to me. I've done it. I wore it like a dress. When my mother passed away, I milked that crutch of sympathy like a succubus in rapture. How pathetic could I be? It was exponential. I felt everyone should have pity on me because life dealt me a shitty hand. Reflecting back on myself now fills me with shame and regret. I should have been stronger. I should have taken the blow with more grace. There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. The best way I can describe it is- if someone cut your achilles tendon by surprise. You collapse. Grief buckles you to the ground without warning and most people bellow with intense agony. I bellowed for decades and I licked my wounds so long my scabs turned to infected pulps of embarassment. The sadness I conveyed echos through time like a somber melody I cant forget and I hate myself for it. 

I think once I was around 28 or so I wised up. Yeah, I know thats really old to have a reckoning. However, I'd say having it at 28 is better than being 45 and living in your parents basement, even though it's not far behind in shamefulness. Maybe it was my impending third decade of life that was looming closely in the distance or maybe it was saturns ascension. Who knows. Either way, it was time. The solum sadness I had nursed for decades ran it's course. I was pissed! All the years feeling sorry for myself that accomplished exactly what?! ZERO! Nothing! Not a goddamn thing. What a nightmare! I decided then that I couldn't go on that way and that I had to suck it up and change my sorry ass ways. 

So I did. I stopped with the pity parties. I stopped self loathing because it was just tacky. Fast forward to a little over a year ago when again tragedy struck- I didn't know what the fuck to do. Obviously I was devastated but I desparetly wanted to be strong. I tried. I acted as if. I now see how much I shut off. I pushed all I felt away. It was just too horrible to deal with. I didn't want to feel anything. I just wanted it go away. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Some people probably would have turned to some destructive manner to channel it but I didn't. I tried to drink but it really didn't help. Drugs didn't really do shit. I just tried to forget, as if that was even fathomable. It wasn't and it isn't. 

Here I sit- with a mountain of grief and I feel like I'm at the foot of the gallows, looking upon perhaps the greatest challenge of my life. I feel I haven't really begun to tackle the bulk of it. Sure, I've grieved. I've allowed myself to be consumed with the darkness and let it's ugly truth trickle down. As excrutiatingly painful as it is, somehow I always turn it off. I either get angry with myself for being so weak or it's just too unbearable to feel. I don't know what to do with this hurt I harbor. I feel I'm buried by a burden I am petrified to even speak of. It's frozen in time- a time I replay in my head over and over looking for a solution that would never work. I am lost in the what ifs without dealing with it head on. I ride on the coattails of my own contempt like a melancholy puppet. AlI really know is that this demon has come to battle me and test my will in every way possible. I'm not ready but I will fight. 

A Real Fuck.

Go now, be bold. Be brave. It's time to purge all that we consider bitter and jaded. It's too easy. We cheapen our emotions away at any opportune occasion and for what? Only to spatter some venomous insecure words for a temporary release that gets us nowhere better? Just like the anger you invoke, it is completely fleeting and never a solution. It's time to stop withholding things out of fear. Arm yourself with the knowledge that taking offense is a choice and you can easily do something positive with that feeling, like forgive that person for having a bad day, month, year, lifetime- EVEN IF THEY DON'T DESERVE IT [cause guess what? they probably don't]. Stop saying you're sorry because- are you really- or are you just glad it didn't happen to you? Are you sorry because you feel bad for someone or feed off of tragedy? Guess what? None of those things actually show sympathy in the slightest so stop saying you're sorry. You're not. Stop saying you understand. There is no feasible way to feel the same things, in the same moment, in the same mind, body and soul of another human. You can only go on what you have experienced and try to relate as best you can. In all reality there are many things you will never understand and you should be thankful for that. Stop with the insincere pleasantries because that's what you think you're "supposed to say" or what you think you "should do" because it's what "everyone does". Fuck that. Fuck what everyone else does. It's cold and generic and truly does no good and causes no comfort. What happened to being real? Why is everything so fake, scripted and rehearsed? Are we that far away from connecting with others that we cannot wrap our heads around actually giving a fuck? And I mean giving a real fuck, not a half-ass wishy washy fuck- A REAL FUCK! Fuck, man! I refuse to accept that being authentic and genuine is a lost art. My personal issue is- I honestly empathize with people far too much and it bothers me. It takes something out of me, drains me. What is even more frustrating is- I can't fathom why others can't do it. It's almost always this fake, self servicing, surface bullshit to be "polite" and not cause a rift. I'm here to tell you that it is causing a goddamn hurricane. If you don't like someone, you know what, that's okay. You don't have to. You also don't have to go out of your way to be a dick or give in to your anger. I challenge you to ask yourself "why"?  Because if it's that she draws her eyebrows on crooked or because her tattoos suck, that is not a valid reason, you catty bitches. Don't be a dick and definitely don't be so damn petty. WHO CARES?! Why do you care!? What about them actually pisses you off? It's probably something within that YOU don't like being reflected back. Sometimes that glare in the mirror can be overwhelmingly blind, can't it? Yeah- I went there and I'm not sorry. If you have a valid reason for disliking someone, like they want to hire a hit man to kill you [which actually happened to me a few years ago in Vegas over some serious BULLSHIT, but I digress and that's a whole other boring ass blog entirely], they murdered your family or they ate your dog and your homework simultaneously, well, shit... those are valid reasons to harbor an abhorrence. Petty distaste because someone hooked up with your significant other before you knew them, has the same hair style as you [you don't own a hairstyle or an aesthetic fashion sense, twats] or hustled some dude into being their meal ticket sans love or attraction, is not even remotely worth getting your panties in a bunch. Lose the over sense of entitlement. The world and no one in it owes you shit, ever. Just because you were irresponsible and procreated doesn't mean the world or the government owes you something and it also doesn't mean that's all you're capable of. It doesn't mean you have the right to be a sanctimonious cunt either. Stop doing things only to be reciprocated. That's not how it works, idiots! You might as well not do anything if that's your motivation. That is just plain selfish. Give and never expect anything in return. Love is not about infatuation, possession or lust. Those are intermittent feelings that give you a rush but will never stand the test of time. They are fleeting. Love is not owning someone or controlling them. It should set you both free and better both parties- otherwise what is the point? You can love someone who is not good for you. I've done it and you probably have too. The difference between being an adolescent and an adult is knowing when to walk away from toxic relationships. Never feel sorry for yourself because no one else will. If you try to fish for pity or sympathy, you are the scum of the earth. That's pathetic. Have some mother fucking dignity! Turn the pain into something you can use. Every breath you take is a gift. If you can't see it that way, you don't deserve to take it. There is always time to start over and renew your spirit. The most grueling occurrences I've endured have been followed by the most intense joy and triumph I've ever experienced. Why? Because I survived, I reveled beyond all the sorrow and the excruciating pain of losing the most important things in my life. I never feel like I am anything less or more than anyone else, just different. I am completely thankful for the horrible things I've gone through because they elevate me to a new state of consciousness and have given me an armor and an edge none can replicate out of my own strife. It's like a cadence all my own, a battle cry that haunts every face I look into. No one likes a self loathing cry baby. There has to be a balance, there has to be something you take from each heartbreak you are dealt. Lift yourself up and lift those around you up with grace and beauty unparalleled. Show the world what you are made of by becoming a force to be reckoned with, rain or shine. Shed your judgement because in the end it almost always comes from displacing your own discontent with yourself. Become the very definition of humble. Become humbled by every fucking moment of your life. Stop competing with everyone because it only separates and estranges us. What does being better at things do for you? Does it make you feel good to be isolated and alone after desecrating anyone who stands in your way? How can you enjoy that really? You don't need to prove anything to anyone except yourself. Accept yourself. You don't need to make more money because the more you make, the more you consume. In the end- you don't gain shit and you sure the fuck won't obtain happiness. I spent years trying to prove myself to everyone- to be prettier, skinnier, more successful, make more money, have nicer things, conquer hotter guys, etc.. but for what? What did I gain? I achieved all those things and I was utterly miserable. I was just trying to find frivolous ways to satiate a hunger that could never feed on such empty and malnourished "calories". I depleted the joy I sought while on the very path I set out on to find it. How ironic. Doing things to gain validation or envy from others is a sick sad sob story. The only person you should try to get one up on is your former self. We are all good and bad at certain things, some by genetics, some by will. We all have our own insecurities and issues to work on yet, we all have gifts to share with this world and with others. Focus and enhance on what you have control over and accept what you can't. Stop trying so damn hard for anyone but yourself. Once we detoxify ourselves of these malignant tumors we aggravate and are faced with, we can repave the path to wholeness and unifying ourselves with all of humanity. We've lost our way but we can realign. It comes down the the ability to be a good person. I feel we all have that but we have run away from being nurturing, benevolent and kind because of the thirst for power, greed and corruption. Remember that we are all human, we all are born and die the same way- alone. What we do in-between is somewhat futile if we are struggling against each other and losing ourselves to this schism. Look at your enemy and let them teach you everything about love. 

Day 17- progression

Progression is integral to growth. You have to progress to learn whether its failing or winning. I loathe complacency and am always striving to better myself. It's amazing what can be achieved by trying. Even thinking about changing your view point puts your mind in a positive vibe and it can resonate as far as the eye can see if you just add intention. Think about it. It really is that simple to change your world. 

Day 5- hope

There was a point in time where I had no hope. There have been many tragedies life has delt me that I almost let ruin me. It's funny how things can change. I have discovered that the curve balls life throws at you are all tests. You can either choose to be defeated or you can choose to get up above all adversities and start anew. There is no other way.

I don't understand how at one point I was a miserable self loathing sad sack. I look back at myself and it makes me sad how low I stooped. Licking your own wounds is unproductive. It does nothing to progress or heal your situation or your mind frame. I used all the grief and loss I endured in my life for many years as a crutch. For what- I really don't know. Pity maybe but I think I was just lost and desperately needed attention or a woman role model. Who knows. It was awful and I'm not proud of it. 

Today I have done a complete 180. I no longer feel sorry for myself really ever. I think it's pathetic. You are always in charge of your life and the decisions you make to better it. If your life sucks- DO SOMETHING about it! Don't sit on your ass and try to either manipulate the situation or others to get what you want. This is why I cannot stand and don't understand control freaks. Have integrity. Have honor. Do it the right way with pure intention. 

My gratitude for today is hope. Without it we really have nothing to strive for and nothing to motivate us. I have an unparalleled amount of hope within myself, even after I've gone through things so painful they are hard to even think about. I never want pity or people to feel sorry for me as that doesn't change anything. But I do feel the fact that I have never been "fortunate" or "rich" or "spoiled" has kept me grounded and humble. It's forced me to take a long hard look at myself and make make adjustments and adapt. Its one of my greatest gifts in life. When there's hope, there is life. 

The best way to start anew is to fail miserably...

I've been wanting to start a new blog for some time. I have been through a proverbial shit storm of things this year and I would be lying if I said that I haven't struggled and changed in almost every way imaginable. My intention with this is to face these demons head on. Many people try to appear a certain way and relish the illusion of their "normalcy", whatever the hell that is. Perhaps I have been one of these people in the past but not now. 'Without struggle there is no progress' Frederick Douglass said. I couldn't agree more. Pain makes you interesting. I do not care to follow trends or what other people consider normal. I have banished that word from my vocabulary long ago.

I guess I should start by saying a few things about myself [barf]. My name is Sara. I  have lived in Austin, Texas for a little over a year now. I grew up in Kentucky in a small town where they make Wild Turkey bourbon. But do these things matter? Not really. I always find it interesting that people describe themselves in a list fashion with meaningless things like that. I find it even more peculiar those who don't know what to describe them self as or have absolutely nothing interesting to say about them self. Maybe it just seems so boring to me or maybe I long for that simplicity within myself. Who knows. All I know is that if you ask anyone they would agree that I am anything but ordinary. Yet, really, I completely am. I am just a human trying desperately to achieve a comfortable lifestyle and find personal zen. I believe this is a lifelong battle for each and every one of us.

I truly enjoy writing. As a child, I used to win creative writing contests frequently. I am not one to boast and I have an utter distaste for those who are overly boastful, but I do know one of the things I have always been decent at is writing. I have a way with words, my way ;). It's weird, I have a hard time connecting with people face to face. My social anxiety literally borders agoraphobia. Over thinking is a demon I struggle with every day. Don't ask me why. It's silly really. I wonder if I just don't know how to relate to people or perhaps I don't want to? Meh. I just don't trust people. I have been in so many unnecessarily awkward situations through the years, I guess I just withdrew myself. As sassy and dramatic as I have been in the past, I really loathe confrontation. It makes my fucking skin crawl. I guess I just wish people would be more kind to others. I was bullied as a adolescent pretty badly, almost to the point where I dropped out of high school as a freshman. Self conscious insecurity was my biggest foe at that point. I was a goddamn doormat. I let everyone walk all over me. So, maybe it stems from that [it probably does]. What I am trying to say [badly] is that I am much better on paper with expressing myself. It gives it a dimension that makes it come alive for me. Plus, it's much easier for me to collect my racing thoughts if I have a format to look at and edit. Sue me.

My objectives with this blog are to grow as a person and confront some of my issues. If I happen to help someone else along the way, even better. Lately, I have really been trying to purge my judgement and realize we are all connected in some way. Thinking we aren't is silly. I am trying to rid myself of my internal rage and really learn to love others as well as myself. I have spend so much time hating everything and rejecting a world that I am inherently a part of, whether I chose to see that or not. Now is the time to accept it. I want to embrace this reality I am part of and focus much more on the present and reveling in the miracle of each passing moment for what it is- a gift. Join me.

Below is an image of an artist who I truly feel "gets" it, Alex Grey. He is an inspiration.