I wrote this about a dream I had a couple months ago.

Thieves and diamonds. Wood piles scattered in bits like BBQ pork. satan quietly observing moments of sheer chaos, bending to his agenda of filth. We all romance the blackness of life. We must to appreciate anything. We need a bar to measure our happiness against the hollowness of loss and tragedy. Surely this gains us our own brand of perspective. Take comfort in the separation. Find a way to unify the contrast to a shade of brilliant triumph. Make is song your name. 

Fall is for falling

I love autumn. I know everyone seems to but it truly improves my mood and disposition every year when the seasons change. I've been struggling a lot lately. I feel perhaps my life isn't where it should be or where I want it to be. Low points are unavoidable. Trying to learn and analyze them instead of letting them totally bring me down is beyond difficult but I am making an effort to. I think now that it's getting cooler out I'm finally escaping the depths of a depression I haven't hosted in years. I wish I could deal with disappointment and frustration better but I deal the best way I can. Making plans to better yourself can alone improve your state of mind. I'm planing to go back to school and I'm really striving to push myself physically with my excercise regiment. I'm excited. Sometimes you can get lost in complacency and concede to it's sly grip around your neck. I think I almost gave into it but complacency is not for me. I'm starting to see tangible results with my weight lifting which I hadn't before. I am also making real plans to go back to school and get another degree just because I'm not satisfied with my current job situation and I feel I need a new skill set and a new profession. These things excite me. I didn't think I had anything much to look forward to for a while but now I do. It's sad I can so easily slip into negativity and desolation. Unfortunately, it's something I know too well and haunts me far too expertly. The difference now is I long for more. I don't want to feel low although I know some low points are necessary and unavoidable. Every situation is changeable for the most part. You hold the key to your happiness and your path. Make it happen. If I can pull myself from such a bleak outlook and discontent I do believe anyone can. It all lies within your intentions. 

.

 Fuck sleep. It only seems to get in the way of the things you really wanna feel/think/say. Holding back just to hold on to that shred of sanity you think you have left. It just stared raining here and I believe there are no coincidences. Somehow haunted what couldn't have been. Forever unable to shake off my past. My demons. My fate. Is it really that surprising? No. Trying my damnest to ameliorate my past. I know I have made some progress but as always I feel like overall I'm at square one. The difference now is I'm not afraid to fall or to fail. I want to and I will and I have. It never gets easier. It only changes shapes and hues. And intentions. The desire and fire inside never burns out it only intensifies over time. 

Mother challenged.

Surely, the bittersweet, overly tacky, Mother's Day corporate holiday is the proverbial salt in my motherless wounds. However, I did once have a mother and as abrupt as it was, I relish the nurturing and unequivocal love I received. My mother was a goddess. Sure, maybe I put her on a pedestal from nearly 24 years without her, but all I can reflect upon is pure joy and beauty. This humbles ineffably. The bond between a mother and child, especially a mother and daughter, is omnipotent. 

I also was a mother, even though my daughter was only felt in utero and only for a short 7 months before she passed. I did know the feeling. Graciously, I will revel that some may never know even that much and that it's somehow a blessing, even though it also stings. As much as it's challenged me, I also am tremendously thankful for a feeling I can never explain or erase. 

However, I do think that the stenciled out, common banter I see advertised and really, exploited for Mother's Day is rather stale. Yes, I know that most people aren't  good with words but clearly your kids are your 'everything, whole world, light, meaning for life,' etc. I mean, if they aren't you're a shitty parent. I guess I just wish people were more profound instead of spewing off regurgitated, vapid phrases everyone says. Just as I feel about every hallmark infested holiday, you should uplift and honor your loved ones everyday and never get caught up in a psuedo-celebration. 

Yes, I'm bitter. Yes, I'm jaded. Maybe it's not the right way to feel but at least it's honest. I just feel like it's kind of innocuous to celebrate something that often springs from ill-intentions. Being a parent is a hard job, I wouldn't ever dispute that. However, it's not impossible. I do feel living without a mother is much harder but there isn't a holiday for that is there? I don't like people who seek recognition for something they chose to do. Reap what you sow. 

Maybe in the future there will be a time with less praise for mediocrity and more for perseverance and survival. Until then, I urge you to show gratitude to people in your life in a genuine manner, not just when 1-800-flowers tells you to. It's easy to buy flowers or other material possessions to 'show' how much you care. I just think there is so much more to validate and empower your loved ones. They may not be there one day. Do something more. 

The battle.

Chronic insomnia has plauged me for many years. Stupidly, I get on my phone for hours on end when I lay down, which I'm sure adds fuel to my sleepless flame. Dumb. The upside to this is always feeling creative and inspired to write. As I lay here next to my snoring boyfriend and as my cats scury around, I am compelled to write. As much as I strive to be humble, it occurred to me tonight that my life has not been easy.

I'd rather not go into all the sappy details, for some of them are difficult for me to even talk about. The truth is I am exhausted, my energy is depleted. I told myself I could be strong, that I must be strong for myself, my family, my friends. I put a good game face on, denying the severity of the matter at hand. I'm really good at faking it. For a while, I think I had myself, and everyone else, convinced. In a sense, I'm one of strongest people ever. I try brave on once in a while and sometimes it fits me like a glove. The fact is- I'm not always strong. For far too long now, I've denied my pain and my strife. Attempting to avoid the agony I've known over the years and the brutality I've encountered has pushed me to the limit mentally, emotionally and physically. I'm completely spent. My soul is broken. 

I can't explain it. It's virtually impossible and tragically with that comes a level of estrangement that makes it seen that much more bleak. The thing is, I can't and won't feel sorry for myself. That's the prideful habit my father passed along to me. I've done it. I wore it like a dress. When my mother passed away, I milked that crutch of sympathy like a succubus in rapture. How pathetic could I be? It was exponential. I felt everyone should have pity on me because life dealt me a shitty hand. Reflecting back on myself now fills me with shame and regret. I should have been stronger. I should have taken the blow with more grace. There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. The best way I can describe it is- if someone cut your achilles tendon by surprise. You collapse. Grief buckles you to the ground without warning and most people bellow with intense agony. I bellowed for decades and I licked my wounds so long my scabs turned to infected pulps of embarassment. The sadness I conveyed echos through time like a somber melody I cant forget and I hate myself for it. 

I think once I was around 28 or so I wised up. Yeah, I know thats really old to have a reckoning. However, I'd say having it at 28 is better than being 45 and living in your parents basement, even though it's not far behind in shamefulness. Maybe it was my impending third decade of life that was looming closely in the distance or maybe it was saturns ascension. Who knows. Either way, it was time. The solum sadness I had nursed for decades ran it's course. I was pissed! All the years feeling sorry for myself that accomplished exactly what?! ZERO! Nothing! Not a goddamn thing. What a nightmare! I decided then that I couldn't go on that way and that I had to suck it up and change my sorry ass ways. 

So I did. I stopped with the pity parties. I stopped self loathing because it was just tacky. Fast forward to a little over a year ago when again tragedy struck- I didn't know what the fuck to do. Obviously I was devastated but I desparetly wanted to be strong. I tried. I acted as if. I now see how much I shut off. I pushed all I felt away. It was just too horrible to deal with. I didn't want to feel anything. I just wanted it go away. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Some people probably would have turned to some destructive manner to channel it but I didn't. I tried to drink but it really didn't help. Drugs didn't really do shit. I just tried to forget, as if that was even fathomable. It wasn't and it isn't. 

Here I sit- with a mountain of grief and I feel like I'm at the foot of the gallows, looking upon perhaps the greatest challenge of my life. I feel I haven't really begun to tackle the bulk of it. Sure, I've grieved. I've allowed myself to be consumed with the darkness and let it's ugly truth trickle down. As excrutiatingly painful as it is, somehow I always turn it off. I either get angry with myself for being so weak or it's just too unbearable to feel. I don't know what to do with this hurt I harbor. I feel I'm buried by a burden I am petrified to even speak of. It's frozen in time- a time I replay in my head over and over looking for a solution that would never work. I am lost in the what ifs without dealing with it head on. I ride on the coattails of my own contempt like a melancholy puppet. AlI really know is that this demon has come to battle me and test my will in every way possible. I'm not ready but I will fight. 

Tonight.

I've enjoyed tonight.

- I trained legs then did an hour of hot yoga. [Tomorrow will be my 100th class!]

-  I juiced some lovely greens.

 - I made some banana bread pudding for my boyfriend that was epic. [also my first go at it]

-  I read a bit of 'spin' which I highly recommend if you are a science fiction dweeb like myself. 

-  I drank a few new beers. One local jalapeño beer that was decent although I can't remember the name. Also a Sam Adams beer called 'new world' that had a champagne top. It was delightfully light and Belgium-esque. 

- I also had some interesting conversations with my boyfriend about Pantera's early glam metal band, how accutane makes you suicidal and how the misfits are to tool what a perfect circle is to Danzig. He said it was a bad analogy but I disagree. 

- I watched a few good movies as well: big daddy, dazed and confused and now I'm currently watching the shining with I could watch over and over. 

Sorry for the bland, overly narcissistic post but I'm content [and buzzed] and I wanted to document it. Hope your night was equally as satisfying!

You are perfect.

It's hard to find a balance in life where you are not overly miserable and not overly elated. One motion and you're teetering on the edge of either of those things. I guess it wouldn't be so bad to be overly elated but I can't say I've ever actually felt that. I have but not for an abundant amount of time. The sad reality is I'm unsatisfied with myself currently but the really unsavory part is I haven't been satisfied for a long time. I want to be. I try to fall in love with every moment that I can take a few steps back and be overwhelmed with beauty. Yesterday, I took a drive alone, put the windows down, some spellbinding music on and just took it all in. It was beautiful. I love spring here. It gets amazingly green and there are bountiful wildflowers all over the place on the edge of the freeway and at almost every stoplight you encounter. It's like a fairy tale! I was so deprived of vegetation and scenery for years that it really is awe inspiring to me anymore. It's like discovering it all over again which I truly enjoy. 

I don't know why it's such a struggle for me to find contentment. I'm never happy with myself but I don't know why. I should be. Maybe I don't value myself enough. The other day at yoga my instructor said something that really struck a chord with me. We were laying in Savasana and she said 'notice this feeling and every sensation you feel. Everything you are in this moment is as it was intended. It's perfect and you are perfect.' Such a powerful statement. It's true though. We all seek to be some version of perfection we have gathered in our mind through years of media manipulation and other peoples opinion of what they think we ought to be like. It's just not right. We are all perfect. If you think about the mechanics of life and of the human body, it's sheer brilliance and centuries of science behind it has barely scratched the surface of all we are capeable of and made up of. Fuck aesthetics. Why is it so impossible to obtain contentment? Why can't we be okay with who we are? Why do we always battle ourselves to be something 'better' or 'different'? I, for one, am the worst with this. I always find some flaw to beat myself up over, neglecting the totally awesome things I have to offer [like a rather squandered singing voice most have not heard. Sad.] We are worth more than fitting into our skinny jeans if we eat a few too many cookies. We are worth more than avoiding trips to the grocery store due to a bad skin/hair/body days. We are worth more than avoiding human interaction for fear of being hurt like a little bitch. I'm a serious repeat offender of all aformentioned things and recognizing that seems rather embarrassing and childish. But hey! I guess I am a girl after all! [Dont tell anyone.] But, yeah, you're perfect just the way you are RIGHT NOW. Don't waste the good things because you're clinging to sucky ass shit that doesn't matter. Because, in the end it really doesn't matter. Maybe you're like me and you blow things insanely out of proportion for no god damn reason and then realize later how stupid of you that was. Stop that. Take a drive through the country and get your head on straight. Maybe if I did that constantly I would achieve everlasting contentment but then eventually I would find something to be dissatisfied with. What can I say- I'm a perfect jerk. 

Time will see us realign

I remember getting lost in a world of bittersweet wonder. You weaved your words of clarity into my chaos. We achieved hive mind. I considered you my blood. Family. Does that mean anything now? Are we too estranged to find each other again in this life? Will we one day mirror each other in another dimension as we try not to trip on the string theory? 

Joe Rogan for President

If I were to look back on myself 10 years prior, I would probably simultaneously be amused and shocked at the human I've progressed into. I've changed. I would say for the better but I guess I'm a bit biased, eh? The main thing I strive for every single day and strive to convey outwardly is dissolving my ego. The ego seems to be the root of all problematic epidemics in the world. The lust for power and greed that has plauged man kind for centuries all stem from ego maniacs. One of the most effective ways to crush your ego is having a psychedelic experience. Joe Rogan is an advocate for hallucinogenic experiences to open your mind and tap into spiritual realms we may not find elsewhere. He is an eloquently articulate guru on all things about pushing the envelope of consciousness and the pineal gland. 

He's just a badass about the things he is passionate about and he doesn't hide behind what's politically correct. All the rules are thrown out when he speaks on global and national issues yet, he does so with such poignant words. It is never crass. I mean, he's a down ass mother fucker. No apologies. No walking in egg shells. Yet, he dispels all the convuluted, majority held beliefs with grace and ease. 

It's refreshing to have someone of notoriety, who is also a well known celebrity, to be behind things that are impairitive to much needed paradigm shift our society lacks. I only hope that his influence can penetrate the deeply manipulated population that the media has a choke hold on. He celebrates his humanity yet he is intelligent enough to know there is more out there than what meets the eye. In every way he is a huge influence and inspiration to me. Joe Rogan restores my faith in humanity. 

Watch this interview: https://m.youtube.com/watch?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer&v=BEbPpt89HVk&feature=youtu.be&utm_medium=social&utm_content=buffere04c6

He talks about all the things I'm passionate about and then some, brilliantly. 

Shitspiration

Recently I've taken up a healthier lifestyle. I've been healthier for years but this past year I've really focused on stepping it up. Naturally, I've found Instagram accounts to inspire and motivate me and there are plenty of good ones. But, of course there are also plenty of accounts that are complete and utter trash. I'm talking about the fitness accounts where there is a half naked girl constantly posting selfies for 'motivation'. Bitch, what the fuck?!

What exactly does posting vain pictures of yourself constantly do in terms of motivating? How does being a complete narcissist inspire anyone? No one cares except ignorant thirsty dudes trying to hit on chicks that would never talk to them. I just don't get it. If you work out and bust your ass to get shredded that's definitely commendable but what's with the need for gratification? Why do you even need a progress picture and furthermore why do you need to post one [or multiples] every fucking day?! Please stop. Also, I just don't understand some of the skanky outfits bitches wear to the gym. Why?! I wear shit that makes me look relatively homeless and I genuinely don't give a fuck. 

Now, you can call me a hater as they all do but the truth is- I do hate it. It's tacky and not motivational and a disgrace to the fitness industry. If they would actually post work outs or tips and techniques that would be acceptable. But no- it's memes they don't research, pictures of their butt and/or tits, and food they think is healthy. So sad. What's worse is that a lot of them don't even know shit about fitness and so many naive people look up to them only to be misguided. 

I just wish people could stop portraying a fake lifestyle and being elistist when they don't really know fuck all in terms of health and fitness. Just drop all the psuedo-motivation disguised as an excuse to post selfies constantly only to have their ego stroked. You are worth more than half naked photos that cheapen your integrity. Fuck 'fitspiration'.

Hesitation

I refrain from writing the millions of passing ideas and thoughts that enter my mind at even given moment. I've never understood why really or questioned it until recently. The reality is, I'm petrified of being judged. As stupid as that sounds, it's the truth. There is an infinite amount of formats to write in. The thing that is quite liberating is the notion of fleeting moments and feelings. It's kind of like a song to me. A song captures a moment in time, a feeling for a split second, hour, day or year. The thing that is truly beautiful is, it is just a feeling and it can change or pass. Much of the music I like seems to capture a moment I can relate to eloquently and it really displays that feeling or mentality beautifully- even if perhaps it's not a beautiful idea. Just because it may be filled with anger or sadness doesn't mean that it's permanent. It certainly doesn't mean it's all that a person is about or encompasses. I think that's one of the biggest misconceptions about the written word. People write to vent. People write to understand themselves. People write to put their feelings in perspective and try to learn and grow. It's not the gospel. It can change and it can pass. I've decided that moving forward I'm going to do my est to write more and not hold back or be afraid of judgement because at this point in my life it's for me only. And if someone can get something, anything, out of it, then that's even better. But for now- I think I'm long overdue on being a but selfish. 

Social media for dummies

Over the years I've watched social media replace any kind of authentic emotion. It has become a place of pretentious stencils to fit your life status into. People no longer enjoy anything sacred, they long to share every mundane detail with billions of strangers on the interwebs. It's quite peculiar if you think about it. The likes of Instagram and Facebook have brought about an element of approval and judgement we have never been privy to prior. If we do anything of merit, we must brazenly announce it for all the world to see with cleverly placed photos in tow. I'm not really opposed to the idea of creating the illusion of an interesting life. However, it seems to me, the efforts some go to create this screams how much of a purpose they actually lack. The fact is: busy people don't have time for social media. [Or they don't give a shit. Perhaps it's an amalgamation of both.] I've grown pretty ambivalent to the whole thing after once upon a time thinking more 'likes' on a photo somehow justified how pretty I was in the tiniest sense for my fleeting insecurity. Pretty dumb, innit? Yes. Of course I quickly found the more clevage I had meant more anonymous approval I gathered. My elementary math skills have served me well. Anymore I just don't give a fuck. I guess I found it amusing that some people put more effort into their Instagram than, say,  their resume, or relationship or future, even. The whole idea of being so overly narcissistic just seems pointless and well, rather  nauseating. Why do we do this? How many pictures of the sky can you post, or of your cat [totally guilty]? Does anyone really care or just you and all your stalkers? The funny part is when females get mad when random dudes try to spit subpar game at their lewd attempts at fake confidence. Really?! You can't dangle a carrot in front of a hungry rabbit and expect not to get bit. Be realistic. You were just trying to either. A) justify your boyfriend/husband/friend with benefits that yes, you are a indeed a catch, B) try to make aformentioned person jealous and/or angry or C) make a pathetic attempt at some kind of approval from a random stranger to temporarily sate a state of self contempt. Either way you slice it- it's unnecessary. I'm not saying I haven't done it- I totally am 100% guilty. I just see the futility of it all and I don't have the energy to give even a remote fuck. I want most of my life to be savored in the moment, not documented on an electronic device I'm a slave to. That cheapens it to me. If you see a pretty sunset, why not enjoy it with someone you love instead of posting a redundant photo that doesn't do it justice and a million others are posting? Enjoy your life. Stay present. Getting lost in vapid approval from strangers or even frenemies online seems silly when you could be sharing things in person and making memories that will last long after social media crashes and burns [trust me it will.]   Besides, cat memes and vaugebooking are so 2009! Don't be outdated! 

Yep.

Sometimes you realize the redundancy of your existence. You realize that monotony and complacency are disgusting and you long to purge them from your life indefinitely. You long for a free spirited life of no 9-5 noose to hang yourself from any longer and having the means to support yourself while doing the things you love. I know now why my path led me here. I can't be a part of this system any more. It doesn't serve me. Working for people doesn't satisfy me. It makes me feel sick. What is the objective of slacking away to be micromanaged and belittled only to have your talent thrown to the wolves? No thanks. That kind of thing can drive anyone insane. No job should make you stress out or have an abundance of anxiety. Life is about finding a rhythm that justifies you, that empowers you. It's exactly like anything else that is vital to life, like relationships. You must find a balance and a harmony. Otherwise you're just struggling to find a way to convince yourself and everyone else that you're happy. But you're not. It's time to stop lying and wearing this mask of fallacy. I've always done exceptional at every job I've had, but something was always missing. I don't fit into a corporate model and refuse to drink aforementioned companies' koolaid to move up the chain. Even if you do that- there are many innocuous slip ups you can be let go for. But why? Does jeopardizing real talent for an innocent mistake really make sense? I remember once I was fired from a job and they had to hire 3 people to replace me. Does that even make sense on any scale?! No. That's exactly my point. Most companies I've worked for are doing it wrong. And I can't work for anyone but myself moving forward. I've done my research. I've found my niche. I will not be stopped. It's not even that hard! I don't know why it took so long to realize this but I'm elated I have. Take your life by the reins. You control your path and you control your destiny. 

True detective

I just had the pleasure of watching one of the most gripping and enthralling hours of television I have ever encountered. This slice of HBO delight is called 'True Detective' and is in every way the best show on TV right now. Brilliant screen play, twisted plot, and immensely talented actors you may have heard of [Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson]. With every episode, I am more and more impressed with the lead actors synergy as well as the well developed storyline. It's dark, disturbing and dirty. If you're into any of those things I would highly suggest you clear out your calendar in Sunday nights to have your filthy little mind blown. I'm gonna go out in a limb here and say it's got the potential to trump breaking bad for my favorite show and that's no small feat. Plus they are representing the south well [it was filmed in New Orleans although the plot takes place in a smaller fictional lousiana town]. You're welcome. 

If I say I may fade like a sigh if I stay...

I feel all the wrong things at all the wrong times yet somehow they couldn't be more right. My emotions are high lately. This mercury retrograde is sure going to be something. All I can do is open my heart and let whatever will be come to me. I feel more vulnerable than ever and in a past life that would be frightening but this time it's enlightening. Big things are coming my way. I can feel them. I'm more in tune with the melody of the universe and I am challenging myself to really be entangled within and not withhold anything. Expect catastrophe in the most spellbinding way. Metamorphosis. Regeneration. Reckoning. It's been far too long...

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity

Yesterday a friend here in Austin, who also transplanted from Las Vegas like me,  invited  me to hang out with 2 other people visiting from Las Vegas. I was stoked until my friend stated that one of the people had a problem with me. She said I "talked shit" about her a few years ago. Funny thing is, it was a huge misunderstanding. Said person had been told that I said something about her on Facebook , even though it was someone else on my feed. I had already apologized to this person a week after yet, they chose not to remember that. They chose to hold a grudge. Like I said- this was 2 YEARS ago! My thought is - get the fuck over it. Not only did I apologize for something I didn't do-they conveniently forgot all about that and still was hanging on to their anger and offense. I just don't understand. Maybe I am just a completely different person now, or maybe everyone in Las Vegas is childish and can't let go of bullshit simply for the fact they WANT  to take offense but either way- I was amused. Why people hang on to shit is beyond me and to me its sad. Who the fuck cares what I may or may not have said about you YEARS AGO?!?! I don't even think about things like that because they don't matter. Its just not at all worth investing energy into. Let go of taking things personally just for the sake of taking offense. Stop embracing your ego and clutching to victimizing yourself. An adult and progressive individual will let go and forgive petty mishaps. Thats just my $0.02.

Black Bean, Avocado and Cherry Tomato Salad

I love light, flavorful untraditional salads like this. I totally dig this salad because it's super simple and really hits the spot. I happened to have had a surplus of black beans on hand and I didn't have the foggiest notion what to do with them. I decided I wanted a light salad but I really don't care for corn, which most of the black bean recipes had in them that I found. I found a few recipes I liked and kind of made my own with the things I had on hand. You could definitely play around with this recipe. I think adding sweet potato, sunflower seeds, some kind of green leafy veggie like spinach or kale would all work nicely here too but, I didn't have any of those on hand. You could also use goat cheese or omit the cheese completely to make his vegan. Enjoy! 

Ingredients:

15 oz of black beans [I bought dry beans and soaked them in water over night but a can would do]

1 avocado, chopped 

1 cup cherry tomatoes, halved

1/3 cup feta cheese

Dressing:

1/4 cup olive oil 

1 tbsp fresh squeezed lemon juice

2 tbsp parsley [I used dry]

3-4 cloves of garlic

Pinch of red pepper flake 

Salt and pepper to taste 

In a bowl combine black beans, avocado, tomato and feta. In a food processor, purée all ingredients for dressing until desired consistency is achieved. Pour dressing over salad and serve. Makes approximately 4-5 servings but, I just eat it out of the bowl until I'm full. Refrigerate leftovers. 

A Real Fuck.

Go now, be bold. Be brave. It's time to purge all that we consider bitter and jaded. It's too easy. We cheapen our emotions away at any opportune occasion and for what? Only to spatter some venomous insecure words for a temporary release that gets us nowhere better? Just like the anger you invoke, it is completely fleeting and never a solution. It's time to stop withholding things out of fear. Arm yourself with the knowledge that taking offense is a choice and you can easily do something positive with that feeling, like forgive that person for having a bad day, month, year, lifetime- EVEN IF THEY DON'T DESERVE IT [cause guess what? they probably don't]. Stop saying you're sorry because- are you really- or are you just glad it didn't happen to you? Are you sorry because you feel bad for someone or feed off of tragedy? Guess what? None of those things actually show sympathy in the slightest so stop saying you're sorry. You're not. Stop saying you understand. There is no feasible way to feel the same things, in the same moment, in the same mind, body and soul of another human. You can only go on what you have experienced and try to relate as best you can. In all reality there are many things you will never understand and you should be thankful for that. Stop with the insincere pleasantries because that's what you think you're "supposed to say" or what you think you "should do" because it's what "everyone does". Fuck that. Fuck what everyone else does. It's cold and generic and truly does no good and causes no comfort. What happened to being real? Why is everything so fake, scripted and rehearsed? Are we that far away from connecting with others that we cannot wrap our heads around actually giving a fuck? And I mean giving a real fuck, not a half-ass wishy washy fuck- A REAL FUCK! Fuck, man! I refuse to accept that being authentic and genuine is a lost art. My personal issue is- I honestly empathize with people far too much and it bothers me. It takes something out of me, drains me. What is even more frustrating is- I can't fathom why others can't do it. It's almost always this fake, self servicing, surface bullshit to be "polite" and not cause a rift. I'm here to tell you that it is causing a goddamn hurricane. If you don't like someone, you know what, that's okay. You don't have to. You also don't have to go out of your way to be a dick or give in to your anger. I challenge you to ask yourself "why"?  Because if it's that she draws her eyebrows on crooked or because her tattoos suck, that is not a valid reason, you catty bitches. Don't be a dick and definitely don't be so damn petty. WHO CARES?! Why do you care!? What about them actually pisses you off? It's probably something within that YOU don't like being reflected back. Sometimes that glare in the mirror can be overwhelmingly blind, can't it? Yeah- I went there and I'm not sorry. If you have a valid reason for disliking someone, like they want to hire a hit man to kill you [which actually happened to me a few years ago in Vegas over some serious BULLSHIT, but I digress and that's a whole other boring ass blog entirely], they murdered your family or they ate your dog and your homework simultaneously, well, shit... those are valid reasons to harbor an abhorrence. Petty distaste because someone hooked up with your significant other before you knew them, has the same hair style as you [you don't own a hairstyle or an aesthetic fashion sense, twats] or hustled some dude into being their meal ticket sans love or attraction, is not even remotely worth getting your panties in a bunch. Lose the over sense of entitlement. The world and no one in it owes you shit, ever. Just because you were irresponsible and procreated doesn't mean the world or the government owes you something and it also doesn't mean that's all you're capable of. It doesn't mean you have the right to be a sanctimonious cunt either. Stop doing things only to be reciprocated. That's not how it works, idiots! You might as well not do anything if that's your motivation. That is just plain selfish. Give and never expect anything in return. Love is not about infatuation, possession or lust. Those are intermittent feelings that give you a rush but will never stand the test of time. They are fleeting. Love is not owning someone or controlling them. It should set you both free and better both parties- otherwise what is the point? You can love someone who is not good for you. I've done it and you probably have too. The difference between being an adolescent and an adult is knowing when to walk away from toxic relationships. Never feel sorry for yourself because no one else will. If you try to fish for pity or sympathy, you are the scum of the earth. That's pathetic. Have some mother fucking dignity! Turn the pain into something you can use. Every breath you take is a gift. If you can't see it that way, you don't deserve to take it. There is always time to start over and renew your spirit. The most grueling occurrences I've endured have been followed by the most intense joy and triumph I've ever experienced. Why? Because I survived, I reveled beyond all the sorrow and the excruciating pain of losing the most important things in my life. I never feel like I am anything less or more than anyone else, just different. I am completely thankful for the horrible things I've gone through because they elevate me to a new state of consciousness and have given me an armor and an edge none can replicate out of my own strife. It's like a cadence all my own, a battle cry that haunts every face I look into. No one likes a self loathing cry baby. There has to be a balance, there has to be something you take from each heartbreak you are dealt. Lift yourself up and lift those around you up with grace and beauty unparalleled. Show the world what you are made of by becoming a force to be reckoned with, rain or shine. Shed your judgement because in the end it almost always comes from displacing your own discontent with yourself. Become the very definition of humble. Become humbled by every fucking moment of your life. Stop competing with everyone because it only separates and estranges us. What does being better at things do for you? Does it make you feel good to be isolated and alone after desecrating anyone who stands in your way? How can you enjoy that really? You don't need to prove anything to anyone except yourself. Accept yourself. You don't need to make more money because the more you make, the more you consume. In the end- you don't gain shit and you sure the fuck won't obtain happiness. I spent years trying to prove myself to everyone- to be prettier, skinnier, more successful, make more money, have nicer things, conquer hotter guys, etc.. but for what? What did I gain? I achieved all those things and I was utterly miserable. I was just trying to find frivolous ways to satiate a hunger that could never feed on such empty and malnourished "calories". I depleted the joy I sought while on the very path I set out on to find it. How ironic. Doing things to gain validation or envy from others is a sick sad sob story. The only person you should try to get one up on is your former self. We are all good and bad at certain things, some by genetics, some by will. We all have our own insecurities and issues to work on yet, we all have gifts to share with this world and with others. Focus and enhance on what you have control over and accept what you can't. Stop trying so damn hard for anyone but yourself. Once we detoxify ourselves of these malignant tumors we aggravate and are faced with, we can repave the path to wholeness and unifying ourselves with all of humanity. We've lost our way but we can realign. It comes down the the ability to be a good person. I feel we all have that but we have run away from being nurturing, benevolent and kind because of the thirst for power, greed and corruption. Remember that we are all human, we all are born and die the same way- alone. What we do in-between is somewhat futile if we are struggling against each other and losing ourselves to this schism. Look at your enemy and let them teach you everything about love.