Reaching out, reaching up.

Lately I've been dedicating myself to find inner peace. I've been really pushing myself mentally and physically with my yoga practice as well as trying to control my thoughts. Just like anything, these things take ample practice and sincere focus. I've always struggled to find inner peace. I have many wars internally with myself, my past, my adversities. We all do. I do feel it takes a strong person to control their thoughts and to have power over how they think and what comes into their mind. I've had a weak mind and even weaker will for many years. I would say I'm trying to be more positive but it really irritates me people who claim to be all about positivity and PMA. To me, its unrealistic. There is an intrinsic balance to life, no good without bad. So how can you accurately measure your one sided ' positivity' without equating it with something equally as negative? If you've never been though much or anything difficult, how happy can you really be if you've never had anything bad to compare it to? I feel that people who have really struggled in life relish the taste of pure joy much sweeter than those who have had a cake walk life [see what I did there?]. Take solace in that if you've ever felt with something tragic. I do. So, for me control is about balance. It's about realistic intentions. I don't daydream about a perfect life. I make it happen. I don't strive for happiness one day, I achieve contentment now. Where I am now, is exactly where I should be and I am grateful for every breathe I take, knowing it could easily be my last. I'll never grasp people that have constant unfulfilled objectives. Now is the time. Go out there and do the things you want to do. Don't settle and wrap yourself in complacency. That's too easy. You can never keep doing the same things and expect any change to come. You must make it happen. Initiative is everything. Things don't fall in your lap. Intend to expand and progress with every fiber of your soul.

Can't buy me love

It's always been hard for me to relate to people who have had an easy or privileged life. Perhaps it's because I was made fun of as a youth for wearing hand me downs and not being able to take fancy vacations, etc. Now don't get me wrong, I had plenty, just never anything in excess. Obviously now I am extremely grateful that I wasn't spoiled, for if I had been, I do feel like I would be an unappreciative possession focused asshole. The thing is, I don't understand people who claim to be humble yet parade their wealth or material things around for approval. It's bogus. Don't be hypocritical. Have integrity with yourself. It's so easy to spew insincere ideals around about loving a harmonious, spiritual life as a lot of people I know say. Living them is a whole other thing. The luxuries of life can be taken from you at any point. They are utterly meaningless in the long run. Sure, people like nice things here and there. I can especially appreciate nice things being that I never really had them as an adolescence. But, lately, every time I want something material I look deep within to ask myself- "do I really need this?" The answer usually is a resounding 'no'. The truth is- I have everything I need. That's probably why I have such an abhorrence for Christmas. It's so acutely focused on materials. Although I gather wanting to buy things for people you love, I really just reject the whole idea of it. I don't buy into overly commercialized Hallmark holidays. Greed and competition are the cornerstone of this countries demise. The desire to have more than others separates us. We feel the need to prove ourselves with wealth and privilege, never noticing how vapid and sad these things project our intentions. I'd much rather make something as a gift than cheapen a relationship with something anyone could give. It just seems so thoughtless and lazy to me. Some of the most unhappy and miserable people I know try to convince themselves they are happy with their lavish possessions but they aren't fooling me or anyone really. Invest yourself into tangible and rewarding avenues. Elevate your heart and soul into honorable paths and you will be the richest person in the world.

Vegan African stew

It's freezing here in Austin. It's about 31 degrees and freezing rain. I was really craving something warm and satisfying. This stew hit the spot and was very flavorful. High in antioxidants,  vitamin A, Vitamin C, iron, folate, protein. It's gluten, grain, meat and dairy free.  It's also low is sodium and fat as well as being an alkalizing meal. Eating alkalized foods is important because having an overall acidic ph makes you susceptible to diseases, infections etc. most cancers thrive in an overly acidic environment.  

Ingredients [I used all organic]

-2 cans crushed tomatoes [salt free is possible]

-1 can chickpeas

-1 white onion, diced

-2 cloves of garlic, minced or pressed 

-2 cups of water 

-1 sweet potato, cubed

-1 eggplant, cubed 

-2 cups baby spinach

- handful of raw peanuts or cashews

-1 tsp coriander

-1 tsp ginger

-1 tsp cumin

- olive oil 

-salt and pepper to taste

In a large pot, heat up some olive oil and then add onion and brown for about 4-5 minutes. Then add garlic to onion and brown for 1 more minute. Stir in coriander, ginger and cumin. Then stir in crushed tomatoes and chickpeas until combined. Add water, eggplant, sweet potato and peanuts. Bring to a simmer then let reduce over low heat until consistency is stew like. Once satisfied, stir in baby spinach and enjoy! Serves about 8. 

Day 30- simplicity

Last day in 30 day of gratitude. I really enjoyed doing this. Today I want to pay my respect to simplicity. It's amazing how complicated we can make our lives and day to day situations. And why? Where does it get us? No where. Everything in life is fundamentally simple. We just have to allow ourselves to be. You don't need to waste energy overreacting. I think that everyone wants the same things; happiness, health and love. Is it really that hard to obtain these things? Or are we just creating metal blocks and personal obstacles? Tell people how you feel. Stop holding back. Believe in yourself. Lift others up. Give everything you've got to something you're passionate about. That's really all there is to it. Sure, there will be hiccups. That's life. It's how you deal with things that counts. 

Day 29- spirituality

I'm currently reading a book by Alex Grey called 'The Mission of Art'. Basically, it analyzes the higher spiritual pathways one can obtain through art. It's fascinating. Alex grey was a huge inspiration to me even before reading this but now it's tenfold. But it aligns with how I feel about spirituality- it's internal. I've always thought that. He says that people who go to a place of worship, and have people talk 'religion' at them, aren't truly uniting with anything spiritual. You have to find it within. He couldn't be more right. Everything we consider good or evil is a manifestation of ourselves. The things we find beautiful or grotesque are all ways we channel either light or darkness internally. It is our lifelong journey to unite with the divine. And by divine I don't mean Jesus or god. If that is how you visualize your purpose than so be it. However, I would like to think that how I view the transcendent force is much more profound than that. It's everything. I wonder how we've come to humanize everything in our lives? Is it easier to swallow that way? Why do we limit our vision to the doctrines that have been shoved down our throats for centuries? What if it's all wrong? To me, spirituality is a deeply personal way to give meaning to you life. People spend their entire lifetime looking for the 'reason' they are alive. But, really, you have to give it your own purpose. You can't look for it anywhere else but inside. However you set out to find this, it up to you. Everything we are surrounded by is connected and filled with a message if you take the time to let it teach you. Otherwise, you are just wasting your life looking for something deeply embedded with the very core of your being. Everyday, every moment is a gift. Immerse yourself in the now.

Day 28- my dad

My dad is my biggest inspiration. He is by far the most selfless human I know of. The things he has sacrificed for my sister and I is unparalleled. I don't know how he did it but I'm so beyond grateful. I know I only have one parent but he has been more than a mother and father for most of my life. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to raise 3 girls on his own. He is special, funny and what every man should be: loyal to the death. I'm glad he has given me such a great model for what I expect out of a man. 

Day 27- my sisters

My sisters and I have been through a lot, both individually and collectively. I know when we were younger, we fought a lot and we definitely have our differences but  now I'm immensely thankful for them. Maybe it's because we all live so far away from each other that makes me value our time together. They both have grown up to be strong, individuals that are successful. We didn't have the easiest upbringing. We all struggled quite a bit as youths. I know I was an awful sister at some points and was very selfish. I've tried to put that past me and treasure my family in any capacity I could. I know they have done the same. I really love my sisters and I'm quite thankful that I have them in my life.

Day 26- being emotional

Emotions are thought of to be a weakness. We are taught not to feel and to wear a mask to everyone we know. I think this is utter, pathetic bulllshit. It takes an inherently strong person to be emotional, to feel deeply. In this reality of medicating ourselves and escapism, who is the real weak one? I don't hide how I feel or what I feel. I tried to. I fooled many. The truth is this: I have and will always wear my heart on my sleeve. I find much strength in being emotional for it takes a strong person to allow themselves to feel and not be afraid of the reaction or sanctimony. If you even think for one second you are morally superior than anyone who isn't afraid to show how they feel, you are sorely mistaken. When did it become so hip to be a dead corpse that feels nothing? Is that even human? I just cannot accept how living so frigidly and callously is the norm. It's bullshit. Emotions are how we connect with others and how we are not just biological machines slowly oxidizing until we perish. 

 

Day 25- hallucinogens

Ok. I already know how this one may sound so hear me out. I'm not a 'drug person'. Maybe I was at one point. Truth be told, I barely even drink anymore. I've experimented with almost every drug known to man sans heroine, crack and meth [no desire to try any of those either]. I regret none of that. Some of my most memorable and happiest memories involve drugs. To me that's what they are about- memorable experiences. You see, I'm a firm believer in moderation, because of that I'll never be an addict and I don't have an addictive personality- which I think it somewhat of a bullshit idea anyway. I enjoy my sobriety. 

That being said- Lysergic Acid Diethylamide, and fellow hallucinogens, are in their own universe. It's not about 'getting totally ripped' although it does do that in a most unparalleled way. For me, it's about the clarity and transcendence you achieve. I've never felt more humble than when I've tripped on acid. I can honestly say I didn't truly know what that meant prior to dropping. It crushes your ego. From inception, it was used by mental health practitioners for therapy. After that it became a 'mind control' tool used by the CIA in the 1950s. I find that oddly humorous being that all it does is open your mind. 

If you want to work out the girth of your problems or just achieve a new level of  personal enlightenment, I would strongly advise taking hallucinogens, be it LSD, Diemethyltriptine or psilocybin [I've done all 3]. However, it is not for the timid or weak minded. I remember when I was younger, I heard Paul McCartney talk about how acid 'forever changes you'.  It's seems cliche but it's painfully true. It opens your eyes, your third eye. You may not be willing and welcoming to the world it wants to show you or the 'you' it wants to show you. For me, it's the closest thing to spirituality I can get. The intense and deep enlightenment it provides takes me to an alternate plane and a higher level of consciousness, full of gratitude and a harmonious melody of life.

Day 24- intuition

Intuition is a weird thing. Sometimes it actually kind of sucks because there are some things I don't want to know ahead of time. Most of the time however it suits me well. I'm a Cancer with a Pisces rising so I'm highly intuitive with 2 water signs. I don't believe in predicting things but I usually do have a strong idea how things will go, not everything either. It kind of depends. It's interesting. I have dreams about things that happen in the future a lot. Perhaps that's more 'déjà vu'. I read somewhere that if you have déjà vu a lot that means you're life is following the path it was meant to. Whether or not I believe that is another blog entirely but it's a nice idea. Needless to say, I have b haeenving déjà vu a lot in the last year and that's pretty damn cool.

Day 23- concerts

There is nothing I love more than catching one of my favorite bands live. Being that I reside in the live music capital of the country, I'm very privileged. I saw my favorite band last night, alkaline trio and they played some songs I haven't heard them play since 2004, which was the first concert I saw of theirs. I'm pretty sure I lost my voice and I couldn't be happier. It's the little things.

Day 22- open mindedness

It's easy to say you're open minded. Actualky being open minded is a whole other vehicle however. I will be the first to get in front of the fact that I'm not always as open minded as I should be. I also acknowledge that I will hold myself accountable to be more so to progress my soul. Being open minded means you consider everything. You question everything. I does not entail bigotry, stubbornness and ignorance. I do feel really being open minded means accepting differences of every kind. Shed the things you hate out of fear. The first step to enlightening yourself is opening yourself to heal. It's the only way. Crush your ego. Remove your apprehension. Ride the spiral. 

Day 21- organic food

Years ago, I was one of those unfortunate people who ate fast food for virtually every meal. I knew nothing of nutrition and didn't care. I eventually met people who had better eating habits and started researching how to eat better. Amazingly, eating well can heal practically every ailment known to man. Unfortunately, especially in America, we have the idea convenience is better than nutrition. Processed foods, fast foods, GMOs are all deeply embedded in our culture and we have accepted these things without questioning it for years. I was heavily influenced by evil campaigns strategies that certain things were 'healthy' just because a commercial or package said so. How naive of me. It's a shame that our society takes such  advantage of impressionable minds to trick us into thinking these big companies actually have anything beneficial to offer aside from making their own pockets and us fatter. 

I decided the organic path several years ago and although I'm not perfect, I am learning more everyday. I've learned that if you eat too much sugar, dairy, simple carbs, not only can make you overweight but can also cause a myriad of health issues. I also usually follow a gluten free, high protein diet as well. So many people still have no idea what these things are. Portion size and macronutrients are also impairitive as well. 

I also am firmly against big pharm conpanies as most modern medicine seems to cause more issues than solutions. I use natural herbs, teas and essential oils to heal most issues I have. I can honestly say I've never felt better in my life. My only wish is that I was informed about all this earlier in my life but better late never! It's never too late to start a healthy lifestyle. Never. 

Day 20- creativity

I guess I feel fortunate that I am a relatively creative person, as I know not everyone is or can be. Genetics play a role in that and my mother was highly creative so I'm very grateful for that. My only issue is that I feel I need to exercise my creative gene a bit more. Luckily, with Neptune back in my sign after being absent since April, I feel it coming back full force! Creating things is one of the highest forms of brain activity. When I was a child, there was nothing creative I didn't conquer. Art, music, writing were all high strong points for me. I think back on those days now and remember being quite happy. If I incorporated some of these things back into my life, I do feel I could reach a new level of pleasure so I will do it. I recently made and decorated frames for some post cards I have had for years and it was a fun way to adorn my house. I want to make more of those and I had a lot of ideas for other craft projects too. I was super inspired when I went to New Orleans by the artistic vibe there. Healthy outlets are immeasurably good for you and I think everyone should have one. 

Day 19- nature

It may be because I lived in Las Vegas for 6 years that I have a vast appreciation for nature here in Austin texas. It's lovely to live in a nature conscious town verses a town that is extremely lacking. I grew up in Kentucky, which is one of the most beautiful states I've ever seen. Lush forests and beautiful gardens color virtually every nook and crevice and I never realized how much I missed it until I was without for far too long. Moving back to a place that has grass and trees [not fake ones] is exhilarating! I also adore how people here do many things outside. Tubing, hiking, parks, gardens and outdoor events are everywhere!  It's important. I don't think people realize how much we need to reconnect with nature and become closer with our planet. I always feel exponentially better when I do something outside. It pacifies me how beautiful our planet can be and how much you can learn just by going outside. I think if people spent more time outside rather than on their iPad and phone, we would be a more humbled and probably more peaceful. I do feel the further we separate from our roots the more violent and discontent we become. 

Day 18- pushing the envelope

As I mentioned before- I loathe complacency. I think once we stop trying to progress,  we are on the path to living death. The only real way to do this is to push the envelope, to do something uncomfortable. If you constantly do the same thing over and over it seems like a sort of repetitious hell. Be comfortable being uncomfortable.  Go outside of the norm. Push yourself to reach new levels of consciousness. I never understood how people only are into a certain type of lifestyle and nothing else. How on earth do you grow?! I've never been that way. When I was younger, I was estranged in practically every way. I was forced to adapt to my surroundings and to embrace them, or be miserable. I hated it but if it wasn't for that- I doubt I would have learned anything. It's only by the subtle art of discomfort that I was forced into bending situations to get through, to survive. Believe it or not, every person that has criticized me or hated on me has actually inspired me to gain perspective and toughen up. All the times I've been deceived or disserviced has only made my will unbreakable. I used to pity myself when I was younger for all the things that happened to me, as if to say 'why did this happen to me?! It's so unfair' but now I'm nothing but grateful. It has given me a perspective all my own and a strength that enlightens me every day. If I had been given an easy path, I would probably be a over privileged peice of shit  like a lot of people who don't like me. It doesn't matter. I can handle just about any obstacle thrown at me with my head held high. All the things I've endured are just battle wounds that help me win each new battle by reminding me of my inner strength. The world doesn't owe you a damn thing. Don't feel sorry for yourself ever. Just turn all the pain you've ever felt around and use to to become a warrior. 

Day 17- progression

Progression is integral to growth. You have to progress to learn whether its failing or winning. I loathe complacency and am always striving to better myself. It's amazing what can be achieved by trying. Even thinking about changing your view point puts your mind in a positive vibe and it can resonate as far as the eye can see if you just add intention. Think about it. It really is that simple to change your world. 

Day 16- exercise

When I was younger, I was always skinnyish without effort. I ate whatever the hell I wanted [read: shit] and never gained weight. It was about age 25 that I started to gain a bit of weight and my metabolism slowed down. I started working out then and with exception of a few slumps here and there, I've never stopped. Of course, if I knew then what I know now, things may be a bit different but I'm satisfied that I at least tried. It's weird for me, working out is truly something I enjoy and look forward to. There are limitless benefits even a small amont of physical exertion merit. I currently am lifting weights 4-5 times a week and doing hot yoga 2-3 times a week with an occasional session of HIIT in there for good measure. I'm probably in the best shape of my life and I'm pushing mid-30s. That's more than enough to keep me motivated. 

Day 15-cats

I have always been a 'cat person'. I've always preferred cats over dogs [although I do like dogs]. My two cats, shitty and fifi are such joys in my life. My boyfriend and I adopted both from a shelter and both of my cats have disabilities. Shitty has a limp and fifi has a cloudy eye. No one probably would have adopted them because of these aesthetic flaws but I love them to death! They are playful and fun. They always put me in a good mood when I'm alone. I read somewhere that pets increase your happiness but I think they need me as much as I need them. 

 

Day 14- words

As a fan of our language, as well as the written word, I can honestly say that our vocabulary is not used nearly as much as  it should be. It's disenchanting. I'm currently reading a book called 'The Biology of Trancendence' and it says that in 1950 high school students had a working vocabulary average of about 25,000 words. Today the level is 10,000! That enrages me immensely. We definitely should not be regressing on our language to less than half of what it was 60 years ago. That's disgraceful and pitiful. It baffles me the reasons why that may be so. Maybe I'm just different. When I was younger I remember I used to just look up words for the fun of it and try to integrate them into my vocabulary. I guess I'm biased. I love to write. I've always had a pretty sizable way with words as far back as I can recall. I'm much better writing down things I think and feel than saying them in person, usually. Perhaps the cathartic afterglow that ensues is why I write. It is a talent I would like to revamp, hence why I created this blog. I just adore the myriad of options we have to explain ourselves. Words are free and we ought to broaden our usage of them as to keep our language alive.

Day 13- art

I was always good at art when I was younger. I am somewhat ashamed I squandered that talent away these days yet I am still so appreciative of it. Maybe one day I'll revamp my artistic ways but art is a deep expression of the heart and head. It deserves much respect and honor. Sometimes the brush can say that which the heart cannot. Food for thought. 

Day 12- sarcasm

I thrive off the art of sarcasm. It's a great way to blow off steam and I love people who have a good sense of humor. Nothing is more attractive. If you can't make fun of yourself or take a joke, you take yourself and your life way too serious. I suggest to promptly remove your head out of your ass. 

Day 11- compassion

I think that people who have been through an enormous amount of tragedy have a certain clairvoyance to others pain. They can feel others pain almost. I have tried to reject my own empathy over the years but it's something I cannot deny. I always try to put myself in others peoples shoes. Everyone has a fight to bare. Everyone has their own battles. I think the world would be an infinitely better place if we could put our own egos aside and try to show a little compassion for others once in a while. 

Day 10- individuality

I have always been somewhat of a loner. An outsider. A weirdo. It took me a long time to embrace it. We are taught at a young age to be like everyone else. To follow. To fit in. I never have. Now I know I never will and I never want to. Be yourself. Like what you want. Make no substitutes. Make no exceptions. Do you own thing. March to your own drum. Do what you love but always do it for yourself. 

Day 9- music

I am an avid music fan. Both of my parents were musicians and they were in a band before I was born, so it's in my blood. I grew up on classic rock. Also a lot of Beatles, fleetwood mac, heart, journey, pink Floyd etc.  I have find memories of my dad playing guitar when I was a kid. It was always so calming. 

Although I didn't really start expanding my musical taste until high school I really never wanted to limit myself to just one genre. I can truly say I like a little bit of almost everything. I went through a lot of phases through my life and I'm sure there are more to come so I've been exposed to a large variety. From goth [joy division, sisters of mercy, Cocteau twins] to crust punk [germs, crass] to psychobilly [koffin kats, mad sin] to electronic synth pop, [depeche mode, q lazzurus] etc. I love 80s and  90s almost collectively, sans shitty pop music but even some of that I love. I like old school rap- nothing new really [fuck paper gangsters]. I dig grunge, trip hop, electronica, old school R & B. I love whiskey drinking music, some pop punk a early emo and hardcore. Country [real country like patsy cline], progressive rock, alternative, black metal, hair metal, classical. I am completely infatuated with math rockers like Dillinger escape plan and I love way out there shit, so basically anything by mike Patton. I like jazz, funk, blues, swing. I LOVE bluegrass music, as I grew up in Kentucky. I could go on all day. 

I grew up around music. The college I attended has one of the best music programs in the country so, although I wasn't a music major [even though I took private vocal lessons, was in choir and a musical], I picked up a few things! I was in choir for 18 years and I have also been in a couple of bands here and there although nothing serious came from them. I have competed and won awards for singing in my younger years also. So you can see its in my veins. 

I'm all about playlists and assembling the perfect driving mix. Ask anyone you know if I made them a mix cd and I  guarantee it was memorable. It's the backdrop for life. Music helps us remember or forget. It eases tension and is probably the healthiest of creative outlets. It was always my favorite class in school. I'm overjoyed that music is now practically free. I just wish that all the over produced, talentless, vapid shit that was played on the radio would disappear forever because I believe in organic, gifted musicians that write their own music and play their own instruments. I feel that this generation has missed the point. Music was never supposed to be about making money. It was about expressing yourself back in the day. Hopefully one day it will return to its grassroots because I'm sure it's saved my life many times over as well as yours. 

Day 8- baking

It sounds silly but when I'm in a bad mood I like to bake. For some reason it calms me and it's quite therapeutic. Plus, who doesn't love the smell of something delicious in the oven?! I like to come up with my own recipes and play around with different ingredients. Speaking of- I think in gonna whip something up right now! 

Day 7- forgiveness

Forgiveness is something that I used to rebel against when I was younger. I held grudges against anyone, for anything. I was such an angry teen and I cannot say I don't still struggle with my rage because I do. But really why does holding a grudge do for anyone? Does it make the situation better? No. All it does is make you hang on to anger longer than is beneficial to you. It takes a bigger person to forgive- even when that person doesn't deserve it or even if you weren't in the wrong. What happens is a rift in consciousness. Not only do you forgive someone but most importantly you forgive yourself. You free yourself. You liberate yourself from suffering unnecessarily. I never thought something so simple could bring such a shift in perspective. I have tried to forgive and make amends with everyone I ever have been at odds with, even if not verbally. I don't care to hang on to hate anymore as it never served me well and never served anyone well. I really think it's about growing up and focusing about the things that matter and letting go of everything else.

Day 6- my boyfriend

It's been a long, rough day. Traveling back from New Orleans was less than pleasant and I had a few other things that were disappointing but I want to end this day positive so I'm going to find some light.

My boyfriend is such a blessing. He has been through quite a bit and he has had unfortunate things to deal with. He has been a saint to me, even if it took plenty of time to get to the place we are at now. Sometimes wonderful things come from the most unexpected interactions. 

I remember the first time I met him, at a bowling alley in a casino in Vegas. I saw him and I said "damn, who is that?!" Tall,  dark and handsome. I think my heart fluttered. So gay! Anyway, that was history and we've practically been inseparable since. We've been through a lot. Like most couples, it either makes or breaks you. Luckily, it has brought is much closer and we're much stronger. 

He is the type of person everyone should be like. He is kind, thankful and selfless. He has done everything for me. I remember one of the first things he did for me was drive me to cracker barrell when we still lived in Las Vegas which was 2 hours away. It's the little things that matter most. 

He's successful as an EMT, he's saved many lives. He's a hero. He's the smartest person I know [literally he's like a walking dictionary]. He is the most attractive man I've ever dated. He's creative, has excellent taste and is not afraid to be silly with me. He tolerates me when I'm cranky and tries to understand me [even though I'm like a rubix cube]. He has redefined himself and opened himself to new avenues. He always strives to be a better person.  I can honestly say I wouldn't know what to do without him. He is truly the light of my life. 

We've had our struggles but I refuse to let those shortcomings do anything but be a lesson and bring us closer. I'm so grateful for him, it makes me teary eyed to think how I got so lucky. If you have someone like this in your life, always let them know. Some people spend lifetimes trying to find something as profound and genuine as what I have with him. I love you, Spencer. 

Day 5- hope

There was a point in time where I had no hope. There have been many tragedies life has delt me that I almost let ruin me. It's funny how things can change. I have discovered that the curve balls life throws at you are all tests. You can either choose to be defeated or you can choose to get up above all adversities and start anew. There is no other way.

I don't understand how at one point I was a miserable self loathing sad sack. I look back at myself and it makes me sad how low I stooped. Licking your own wounds is unproductive. It does nothing to progress or heal your situation or your mind frame. I used all the grief and loss I endured in my life for many years as a crutch. For what- I really don't know. Pity maybe but I think I was just lost and desperately needed attention or a woman role model. Who knows. It was awful and I'm not proud of it. 

Today I have done a complete 180. I no longer feel sorry for myself really ever. I think it's pathetic. You are always in charge of your life and the decisions you make to better it. If your life sucks- DO SOMETHING about it! Don't sit on your ass and try to either manipulate the situation or others to get what you want. This is why I cannot stand and don't understand control freaks. Have integrity. Have honor. Do it the right way with pure intention. 

My gratitude for today is hope. Without it we really have nothing to strive for and nothing to motivate us. I have an unparalleled amount of hope within myself, even after I've gone through things so painful they are hard to even think about. I never want pity or people to feel sorry for me as that doesn't change anything. But I do feel the fact that I have never been "fortunate" or "rich" or "spoiled" has kept me grounded and humble. It's forced me to take a long hard look at myself and make make adjustments and adapt. Its one of my greatest gifts in life. When there's hope, there is life. 

Day 4- conversation

I am thankful for conversation today on my 4th day of gratitude. There is nothing more that I enjoy than having an intellectually stimulating conversation. I truly feel much is learned from deep convo, whether is the ability to change your mind or someone else's or just enlightening someone or being enlightened. Most of the people near and dear to me are well versed in a diverse array of subjects and I've learned a vast amount of things from them I may have never been exposed to otherwise. That may very well be why they are considered my closest friends. I need substance. I choose to surround myself with people who challenge me mentally to go outside the box and push my knowledge. I don't surround myself with people who are into the same exact shit because that would be selling myself short as well as dreadfully boring. I want to absorb as much as I possibly can about things I don't know. Knowledge is power.

Day 3- vacation

Today I pay tribute to the illuminating joy of Vacation! I haven't taken a real vacation in many moons although it's been much overdue. As I sit here in the illustrious city of New Orleans, I am overwhelmed with happiness! Sometimes it just takes a change of scenery to help us reevaluate and regather ourselves. I've always loved this city. This is my 4th visit. It encompasses such rich culture, beauty and mystery. I plan on savoring all it's magic to the fullest!

Day 2- embarrassment

Almost missed day 2 but I made it by a nose! Today I pay homage to the lovely ability to be embarrassed. Yes, you read that right! We as humans are so afraid to fail. We are so unrelenting with ourselves that we crucify ourselves when we stumble. The thing is that's the very essense of existence. Fucking up. Embrace it. It's really a virtue.

One month of gratitude- Day 1.

In the spirit of thanksgiving- I'm going to do 30 days of gratitude but I'm going to step it up a bit and not list anything material. So many people get wrapped up in bullshit material possessions and it pisses me off. You are not your fucking khakis. You don't need possessions. Having a big house or nice car doesn't make a fuckall of difference in your quality of life. By getting wrapped up in bulllshit materials you lose sight of more meaningful things and a more enriched life. Thinking your wealth merits any kind of happiness or status is exactly why our country is in the state it is. Greed is evil and as long as it exists people will step on those less fortunate to perpetuate their own agenda. If you have a roof over your head and food to eat, I'd say you're doing fairly well. 

So, for my day one of gratitude I would like to honor humility. It's been a long road for me to learn the art of being humble. I think it's a lesson many could benefit from if they'd just take a step back and re-evaluate their life. It's about the very nature of giving thanks. 

Think about all the times in your life that you've been boastful or ego-centric. Did it actually make you feel good? Or were you just tooting your own horn to mask your own insecurity? I don't know how we've come to a time where everything is a competition. A time where we have to be fitter, prettier, more successful than the next person. What is the point of all this? Sometimes I think perhaps it's to be unique, to stand apart or stand out from others. But really it seems to me that if everyone is trying to do that, maybe you're all just the same. Silly, isn't it? 

The real conundrum is that humans have a real annoying way of being insatiable. Even if we get to this unattainable state of "perfection", we wouldn't even enjoy it because we would be inventing some other flaw to get obsessed with. Obsessions are not healthy in any form. Don't kid yourself. 

Being humble is about being satisfied with your life, being grateful for it regardless if it matches up to other peoples "standards". Being humble to me means there are no standards. Your life is perfect because it is yours alone and being happy with that is a gift. 

Taking offense

It's a perplexing thing the 'art' of taking offense of things and taking things personally. I won't lie and say that I haven't struggled with it myself. If you think about it though, it's really a choice. Taking offense to something isn't someone else's doing- it's yours. Therefore if you get offended by things then it is a choice. Why give something negative power? Why choose to take offense? To me, thats only letting someone get the best of you. 

Passion is something that some exhibit and some do not. I understand that passion can fuel an exuberance behind taking offense or taking something personal. I get that. But what I don't get it why we choose to do this when we could just as easily choose not to? And furthermore, how do we do this? I guess it's depends on the nature of the subject. 

People who project anger onto others to get a reaction and pure ignorance are two entirely different stances on this. Having an adult debate is ideal yet some people also feel the need to bully or belittle others, especially online these days, where people hide behind technology and grow 'faux balls'. No one likes an internet tough guy and to me trolling internet to start shit or flame someone is infantile. Standing up for yourself is one thing but then again even acknowledging bullshit like that still gives then power. 

I guess the best advice I can give, and by no means am I an expert, is to ignore. It's something that was a monumental  lesson for me. Humans seem too quick to get wrapped up in emotion and respond quickly when provoked. I find that when someone is trying to mess with me, it's easier to just ignore them. I refuse to justify people who are negative and trying to get a reaction from me. It just doesn't happen. Besides, a lovely side to this is how angry people get when you don't. It's kind of humorous. Some people just feed off of pushing buttons and I just won't play that game. I think I'm just too old for it anymore, I feel it's immature. 

I jut don't know why people can't have an adult conversation and instead choose to verbally abusing someone because you're unhappy with yourself. Some people are just nasty people and it  is pathetic. Don't allow them the power to offend you. Let that's shit roll right off you. Seriously, try it. It makes such a huge difference for me. 

Up in the air

Sometimes I become overwhelmed with emotions at inappropriate times. Random things trigger memories and they pull those familiar feeling out of me. I'm sure you've felt that way at some point. The best way I can describe it is a black wave that creeps up behind and crashes over me like a hurricane. I used to believe that this was a curse, that I was a slave to my emotions. I felt that my baggage was a tumor that was slowing dragging me down, slowing me with every moment. I truly feel lately that this no longer is true. I now revel in my soul connection and my deep intuitive nature. It is my most benevolent, innate trait. How ironic the things we think handicap us can in turn define us purely. I have always felt like I feel too much, that things effect me much deeper than most. Many times, I have longed to rid myself of such deep emotional ties. I felt it pushed people away from me. But anymore, I am immensely grateful and I find it virtuous the way I feel. I always felt that many people do not  experience the things I do. That no one can grasp the world how I do. But now I realize, that is wrong and furthermore stupid. How could anyone know that? I'm not different. I'm not special. And even if I was, how could the magnitude of my emotions be measured? It can't. How can anyone feel anything anyone else does or even know what or how they feel? You can't. Everything you feel is yours alone. It is something sacred and it's interlaced in your biological makeup. They say that things you think and feel imprint your DNA which is passed on to your offspring. I can only hope that good things will be gifted to my spawn. 

Sugar and gluten free Pumpkin Loaf!

I don't know about y'all but I LOVE pumpkin anything. Now that it's October, I've been incorporating lots of pumpkin flavored goodness into my diet. This is my second time making this yummy pumpkin loaf in a week! It's delicious, moist and won't kill your diet if you're watching your weight etc [its only about 100 calories per slice, this makes 8 servings]. I'm sure you could make this with regular sugar and milk if you wanna make it a bit more rich, I may make a version like that for my boyfriend! Enjoy!

RECIPE

Sugar & Gluten-free Pumpkin Loaf

Preheat over to 375 degrees. 

Spray 9 x 5 loaf pan with coconut oil spray.

DRY ingredients:

1/2 cup gluten free oat flour

2 tbsp organic coconut sugar

1 tbsp pumpkin pie spice

1 tbsp cinnamon

1 tbsp stevia 

1 tsp baking powder

1/4 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp sea salt

WET ingredients

1/2 cup organic canned pumpkin [NOTE: do not confuse this with canned pumpkin 'pie'- it's loaded with sugar]

2 eggs

1/4 cup pitted dates chopped

2 tbsp vanilla almond milk 

1 tbsp melted coconut oil 

1 tbsp organic maple syrup

1/2 tsp organic vanilla extract 

Mix dry ingredients in a large bowl. Smash the dates with a fork. Then mix those with all remaining wet ingredients in separate bowl. Then slowly add wet mixture to dry mixture and combine well. Pour mixture into baking dish and bake for 35 minutes or until brown. 

The best way to start anew is to fail miserably...

I've been wanting to start a new blog for some time. I have been through a proverbial shit storm of things this year and I would be lying if I said that I haven't struggled and changed in almost every way imaginable. My intention with this is to face these demons head on. Many people try to appear a certain way and relish the illusion of their "normalcy", whatever the hell that is. Perhaps I have been one of these people in the past but not now. 'Without struggle there is no progress' Frederick Douglass said. I couldn't agree more. Pain makes you interesting. I do not care to follow trends or what other people consider normal. I have banished that word from my vocabulary long ago.

I guess I should start by saying a few things about myself [barf]. My name is Sara. I  have lived in Austin, Texas for a little over a year now. I grew up in Kentucky in a small town where they make Wild Turkey bourbon. But do these things matter? Not really. I always find it interesting that people describe themselves in a list fashion with meaningless things like that. I find it even more peculiar those who don't know what to describe them self as or have absolutely nothing interesting to say about them self. Maybe it just seems so boring to me or maybe I long for that simplicity within myself. Who knows. All I know is that if you ask anyone they would agree that I am anything but ordinary. Yet, really, I completely am. I am just a human trying desperately to achieve a comfortable lifestyle and find personal zen. I believe this is a lifelong battle for each and every one of us.

I truly enjoy writing. As a child, I used to win creative writing contests frequently. I am not one to boast and I have an utter distaste for those who are overly boastful, but I do know one of the things I have always been decent at is writing. I have a way with words, my way ;). It's weird, I have a hard time connecting with people face to face. My social anxiety literally borders agoraphobia. Over thinking is a demon I struggle with every day. Don't ask me why. It's silly really. I wonder if I just don't know how to relate to people or perhaps I don't want to? Meh. I just don't trust people. I have been in so many unnecessarily awkward situations through the years, I guess I just withdrew myself. As sassy and dramatic as I have been in the past, I really loathe confrontation. It makes my fucking skin crawl. I guess I just wish people would be more kind to others. I was bullied as a adolescent pretty badly, almost to the point where I dropped out of high school as a freshman. Self conscious insecurity was my biggest foe at that point. I was a goddamn doormat. I let everyone walk all over me. So, maybe it stems from that [it probably does]. What I am trying to say [badly] is that I am much better on paper with expressing myself. It gives it a dimension that makes it come alive for me. Plus, it's much easier for me to collect my racing thoughts if I have a format to look at and edit. Sue me.

My objectives with this blog are to grow as a person and confront some of my issues. If I happen to help someone else along the way, even better. Lately, I have really been trying to purge my judgement and realize we are all connected in some way. Thinking we aren't is silly. I am trying to rid myself of my internal rage and really learn to love others as well as myself. I have spend so much time hating everything and rejecting a world that I am inherently a part of, whether I chose to see that or not. Now is the time to accept it. I want to embrace this reality I am part of and focus much more on the present and reveling in the miracle of each passing moment for what it is- a gift. Join me.

Below is an image of an artist who I truly feel "gets" it, Alex Grey. He is an inspiration.